


Never Will You Ever

by thefiveboxingwizards



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because of a game of Never Have I Ever, Coming Out, Epistolary, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, For Want of a Nail, Getting Together, Happy Ending, I don't think it's very angsty but maybe it's a touch, Idiots in Love, Jack and Bitty figure some things out and then proceed to not figure a lot of things out, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Never Have I Ever, Slow Burn, bed sharing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:20:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27361879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefiveboxingwizards/pseuds/thefiveboxingwizards
Summary: “Never have I ever blown a dude,” Shitty shouts.Bitty locks eyes with Jack as Jack slowly lowers his bottle from his lips. Jack’s cheeks are lightly pinked and his brow furrows as he turns his head down to examine the label on his beer bottle as though it’s the most intense math problem he’s ever been presented with. Bitty suddenly feels light-headed and disoriented. “Lord, I must be drunker than I thought,” Bitty mumbles to himself.His head is reeling over what he may or may not have hallucinated. Has Jack Zimmermann—epitome of heterosexuality—given a boy a blow job before?——In the fall of 2014 SMH plays a game of Never Have I Ever in which Jack accidentally comes out to Bitty. With the knowledge that Jack is simply uninterested in a relationship with him in his back pocket, Bitty resolves to move on.When Bitty gets himself a boyfriend during Jack’s final semester, Jack starts to realize some of the things he’s been feeling are a little more than platonic. But he realizes too little too late. Bittle deserves better anyway.
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Original Male Character(s), Jack Zimmermann/Original Character(s)
Comments: 102
Kudos: 300





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I started writing this fic in January. And I was on a roll. But it started getting smutty and it surprised me,,, and I was like “shit am I even comfortable posting serious attempts at smutty fic??” “Is this premise even feasible under these circumstances????” I hit a wall. I coped with that wall by writing [Apricot Kisses](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24110419/chapters/58040470). I think I wrote that over the course of one weekend. It was complete, I was satisfied with it, I had borrowed some elements of this fic and let them play out in that one in order to determine how feasible they were and, while I was still sort of “¯\\_(ツ)_/¯” about the feasibility of the whole thing, I decided to post that fic. 
> 
> Then I just accidentally forgot about this fic, and apparently started a few other WIPs that I also forgot about.
> 
> If you notice similarities between this fic and Apricot Kisses, they exist because Apricot Kisses was directly influenced by this fic. 
> 
> I was informed that there are a few fics in the fandom with a premise where Jack comes out via Never Have I Ever. There is [between me and you by gurlsrool](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6254116) which I don’t think I’ve ever read, and there is also [You Got the Keys by PorcupineGirl](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25598482/chapters/62129581) with a scene featuring Never Have I Ever, which I had forgotten about but was reminded of. Again, I’d like to emphasize that the majority of this fic was written in January and February, and that the only fic this bears intentional resemblance to is my own. That said, check out these fics if you haven’t already!
> 
> I want to reassure everyone that this fic is endgame Zimbits despite the Jack/others and Bitty/others tags. I also want to remind y'all of the angst with a happy ending tag! :)
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at [thefiveboxingwizards](https://thefiveboxingwizards.tumblr.com/).
> 
> 12/31/2020: If you notice any differences that is because I've made some minor edits to mistakes within the text and I cut out all chapter notes except for this one and the very last one for ease of reading.

“Never have I ever,” Shitty hums contemplatively and mimes stroking a beard as he thinks, “Never have I ever… Oh! I got it!” he shouts and snaps his fingers. “Never have I ever blown a dude!”

“Asshole,” Lardo mutters into her beer and glares at Shitty as she takes a sip.

Holster’s beer bottle clanks against the coffee table as he sets it down, drawing the attention of everyone in the room. “Ah, shit. Surprise?” Holster says, looking sheepish and flushed.

“Bro!” Shitty and Lardo shout at the same time. The room is in an uproar in no time, and Bitty throws his head back and laughs.

When he brings his head back down Bitty locks eyes with Jack as Jack slowly lowers his bottle from his lips. Jack’s cheeks are lightly pinked and his brow furrows as he turns his head down to examine the label on his beer bottle as though it’s the most intense math problem he’s ever been presented with. Bitty suddenly feels light-headed and disoriented. “Lord, I must be drunker than I thought,” Bitty mumbles to himself. 

“Whassat, Bits?” Lardo asks.

“Hm? Oh, nothing. I just… think I must be seein’ things. I’m probably gonna turn in. I’ve had enough to drink.” In one short moment Bitty’s good mood has just been turned on its head. He needs to think. Clear his mind. Sober up. Something.

Lardo pats Bitty’s hand and tells him to drink some water before he goes to sleep and Bitty retreats to his room. His head is still reeling over what he may or may not have hallucinated. Has Jack Zimmermann—epitome of heterosexuality—given a boy a blow job before? Jack Zimmermann, who’s oblivious to all things ranging from social media and pop culture to social queues? It’s more likely that Jack was just taking a sip from his beer when Shitty made the statement, and when he caught Bitty’s eye he thought _that Bitty thought_ that it meant he’d done something gay. Which he hadn’t. Because he’s Jack Zimmermann. Jack Zimmermann has not given a boy a blow job. Why would he? He’s not gay. He’s going to Winter Screw with Camilla Collins, the same girl he went to Screw with last year. But what does that matter? Holster has apparently blown a boy and Bitty’s pretty sure Holster is 98% heterosexual. Just because Jack isn’t gay doesn’t mean… that he’s bi? Jack Zimmermann is not bisexual. He can’t be. 

* * *

Bitty puts the events of the Never Have I Ever game out of his mind the following week. He’s got classes and final assignments and Winter Screw to prepare for. He can’t afford to dwell on something Jack undoubtedly doesn’t want to discuss. 

Of course, none of this prevents Bitty from realizing he’s fallen head over heels for his captain (who may or may not be bisexual) while they bake a pie for their class with Professor Atley. He should have known better than to let a handsome man bake in his kitchen.

Bitty doesn’t know which outcome would be worse: finding out Jack is straight and he therefore stands no chance, or finding out Jack really is bi, but not at all attracted to Bitty. Bitty resolves to set aside his feelings for Jack and his questions about Jack’s sexuality in favor of focusing on Winter Screw and his date, Grant, his very cute, rugby playing date from England that Ransom and Holster found for him.

Grant is gay, available, tall, handsome, athletic. He’s perfect. Bitty can’t agonize over Jack. Jack is… Bitty can’t.

* * *

“You look nice, Bittle.”

Bitty spins on his heels and comes face to face with Jack who stands in his doorway. Jack’s hair is gelled back but a few strands of hair fall down onto his forehead. His cheekbones and wolfish eyes stand out more than they usually do and Bitty’s heart clenches tightly in his chest at Jack’s appearance. 

“You too, Jack” Bitty says softly.

“You ready? I think we’re about to head out.” Jack jerks his head in the direction of the stairs and a few more strands fall onto his forehead. Bitty’s fingers twitch from the effort to keep his hands to himself.

“Lead the way, Mr. Zimmermann,” Bitty says. He uses his hands to gesture for Jack to head downstairs instead of running them through Jack’s hair.

When Bitty gets downstairs, he’s corralled into the kitchen to knock back three shots of vodka with Ransom and Holster who inform Bitty that Grant is going to meet up with him at the Student Center.

“You’re gonna love him, Bits! Swear on my life,” Ransom says as they make their way out the Haus.

“That’s what y’all said last year. Then I had to throw away my shoes.” Bitty shoots a playful glare at both Ransom and Holster. 

“Okay, so Ransom and I made a mistake last year, but this year we picked someone that Rans actually knows. He won’t puke on your shoes because he has to survive next semester with Rans. It’ll be great, Bits,” Holster reassures Bitty.

Bitty hums noncommittally and, after a few minutes, falls back from Rans and Holster to instead spend the rest of the walk to the Student Center with Shitty and Lardo, who are debating over some topic Bitty failed to catch.

Bitty’s eyes linger on Jack’s back as he tunes Shitty and Lardo out further. Jack leads the group to the Student Center. His coat is just long enough that Bitty can’t ogle his butt, but Bitty can still admire Jack’s broad shoulders and thick thighs. It’s unfair, really, how agonizingly unavailable Jack is for Bitty. He’s too handsome, he’s Bitty’s captain, he’s Bitty’s friend, he’s probably straight. Bitty kind of needs Jack to be straight. If he is straight, Bitty is only a little pathetic for pining after someone who could never love him. If Jack is…well, then it means there’s something wrong with Bitty.

Jack abruptly breaks from the group when they approach the Student Center and Bitty tears his eyes away from Jack to see what drew him away. Camilla is standing near the entrance with a group of her friends. Her dress has a plunging neckline and the deep scarlet color matches her lipstick. She greets Jack with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and Bitty’s heart fractures slightly. Before Bitty can sink into a deep funk, however, Ransom and Holster surround him and pull him into the Student Center to meet Grant.

Grant is more handsome in person than he is in the pictures Rans showed Bitty. He has a crooked smile and kisses Bitty’s hand when Bitty introduces himself. It’s enough to make any boy swoon, thank you very much. Bitty is determined to enjoy himself and have a good time with his date, and if that involves strategically avoiding Jack and Camilla, well, nobody has to know.

* * *

“I hardly saw you at Winter Screw. You were too busy dancing, eh, Bittle? I’m surprised you aren’t out there dancing right now actually,” Jack chirps.

“Well I’m surprised you’re even partaking in this kegster,” Bittle chirps back. 

Jack is leaning against wall of the downstairs hallway with Bittle. He has to shout a bit and lean into Bittle’s space to be heard over the pumping music from Ransom and Holster’s kegster playlist, but he doesn’t mind. In all honesty, Jack is a little surprised with himself too. He’s never been one for these parties, but something about his impending graduation draws him out of his room tonight. He doesn’t want to miss anything he might regret. He tells Bittle as much. 

Jack and Bittle spend the better part of the evening together talking, hanging out, and drinking cheap beer, and Jack can’t remember ever having more fun at a party than he is having at this very moment. There’s something about Bittle that just draws out this contentment in Jack. And maybe Jack is being a little bit reckless, and maybe Jack is dancing around the line of chirping and flirting a little more than he normally would, but he’s loose and comfortable and actually having fun for once. There’s no harm in a little indulgence. Of course, then the walking embodiment of why Jack doesn’t indulge himself anymore crashes Epikegster and upends Jack’s night. 

Jack is halfway through taking a selfie with Bittle when his carefully constructed bubble pops, and he is forced back to reality by Kent Parson. 

* * *

Bitty doesn’t know what to think about the overheard quiet parts of Jack’s conversation with Kent Parson. The softly interrupted “Parse,” or the “Kenny… I can’t do this,” or, perhaps most damning, the disheveled appearances of both Jack and Kent when the door abruptly swings open and Bitty is found accidentally eavesdropping on his friend. He doesn’t even know if he wants to let himself begin to think about what it might have meant. All signs point to… Bitty needs answers.

* * *

They’ve been back at school for a few days now without ever really addressing what happened at Epikegster. Jack gave a sort of half explanation during the shinny the other day and Bitty accepted it for what it was: a dismissal of all discussion about Jack and Kent. Bitty still wants to know more though. He still has questions about what that sip of beer from that game of Never Have I Ever meant. 

There’s some shuffling out in the reading room and Bitty thinks it’s Shitty, but when he opens his window and peers out he finds Jack wrapped up in his jacket and staring at the stars. “You want some company?” Bitty asks. 

Jack pats the space next to him and Bitty grabs a blanket and pulls it outside with him.

“Were you stargazing or thinking?” Bitty situates himself comfortably against Jack’s side as he burrows into his blanket.

“Both.” Jack says quitely.

Bitty hums in response and asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s bittersweet. You know?”

“Your final semester.”

“Is it crazy that I’m going to miss this place? The Haus, I mean. I mean, I’ll miss you guys too, but this place has been home for me for the last three years.”

Bitty huffs out a laugh. “I see where we rank, Mr. Zimmermann! Haus, Shitty, Lardo, Ransom/Holster, Me.” Bitty ticks off his fingers one by one as he names his friends.

Jack smiles slightly and bumps his shoulder against Bitty’s. “No, Bittle, it’s more like: Haus, _Pie_ , Shitty, Lardo, Ransom/Holster, you.”

Bitty gasps in mock offense. “Now I see where we truly stand! You’re only using me for my pie!”

Jack laughs and slings his arm around Bitty. “You know I’m only joking right, Bittle? I’ll miss you more than I’ll miss your pie, and The Haus for that matter. You’re one of my best friends.”

“Of course.” Bitty smiles softly and leans into Jack. “I’m gonna miss you too, Jack. Lord I don’t even know how the team is going to function without you.”

“You guys don’t need me. Ransom and Holster, whoever becomes captain, they’ll figure it out. And you’re the glue that holds this team together, Bittle. All I do is yell at everyone.”

Bitty laughs and the two of them settle into a comfortable silence as they lean into each other and look up at the stars. A few minutes pass before Bitty breaks the silence with a question. “Are you scared?”

“Terrified.”

Bitty finds Jack’s hand and squeezes it. “You’re gonna be amazing, Jack. You already are.”

“Thanks, Bittle.”

They settle back into a comfortable silence until Bitty breaks it with a question. “Can I ask you something… something about something that happened last semester?” Bitty hears Jack suck in a sharp breath and he jumps in to add, “Not about Epikegster. And you’re free to tell me to shut up or not answer or whatever.”

“Okay,” Jack quietly breathes out.

“Was I drunker than I thought I was during that game of Never Have I Ever or did you mean to imply that you’ve…”

“That I’ve given a blow job before?” Jack finishes.

“Yeah,” Bitty whispers. A heavy silence settles over the two of them as they stare out across the dark houses.

Jack swallows audibly and says, “I have.”

Bitty worries his bottom lip with his teeth before saying, “So you’re…”

“Bi. I’m bi.”

Bitty feels like the air has just been punched out of him. “How many people know?”

“My ex, my parents, and you make four.”

“Holy shit, Jack. You know you didn’t have to take that sip of beer, right? No one would have known you were lying.”

Jack huffs a laugh and responds, “Yeah, I know.”

“Did you want us to notice?” 

“Maybe a part of me? You guys are my best friends but…”

It strikes Bitty then that perhaps Jack had been trying to come out to them that night, at least subconsciously. Jack has spent four years fostering what are, for all intents and purposes, life long friendships with these people, yet he’s never outright revealed his full self to any of them. “But you’re hiding a huge part of yourself from us. It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not. It’s a relief that _you_ know now though. Even if… even if I don’t have any plans to, you know, ever act on that side of myself ever again. It’s still there.”

“So you’re just gonna live in the closet for the rest of your life? Repress any queer urges that crop up?” Bitty is immediately hit with a pang of pity for Jack’s situation. Repression as a solution sounds even worse than living in the closet to him.

Jack furrows his brow and looks over at Bitty for the first time in several long minutes. “I don’t really have a choice, Bittle.” 

“I know that, Jack, I just- I mean, what if you meet someone?”

“I’ve met lots of someones. There have been guys that I’ve been attracted to, Bittle. Guys that, under different circumstances, I might have asked out. I just don’t act on that attraction. I can’t afford to.”

“Okay, so you aren’t about to ask any guys out, but what would you do if you fell in love?”

“If I fell in love with a guy I wasn’t dating? I mean what is there for me to do, Bittle? I’m not about to drag anyone into the closet with me. How is that fair?”

“Even if you loved him?”

Jack shakes his head. “It wouldn’t change anything. I still would be in the closet. No relationship can last under those circumstances. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ask someone to have a closeted relationship with me.”

“Are there any circumstances in which you _would_ come out?”

“I don’t know. Maybe once I’m retired,” Jack shrugs. 

“Do you see yourself ever coming out if you marry a woman?”

“No, probably not. I can feel your judgment, Bittle.” Jack is tense next to Bitty and worrying a hangnail on his right hand with his left thumb.

Bitty sighs and looks away from Jack. “It’s not judgment, Jack. It’s… I’m sad for you. I don’t know what it’s like to be bi, but I can’t imagine repressing a huge aspect of myself for my entire life.”

“It hasn’t been very fun.”

“If someone else came out, in the NHL, would you come out after?”

“I don’t know, maybe. It would be nice to feel like I have the _option_ to act on my attraction to men.”

“I hope you’re able to, at some point.”

“Thanks, Bittle.” Jack knocks his shoulder against Bitty’s. They settle back into their silence, leaning into each other once more. 

“You don’t have to say anything, but this does lend a different understanding to what I overheard at Epikegster.”

Jack winces. “Yeah.”

Bitty nods. “Well,” he huffs out a laugh, “I guess I have another option for BJ advice besides Holster now.”

Jack barks out a laugh. “Well there’s Lardo too!”

“That’s true, but I feel like there’s a difference between a girl giving head and a guy giving head.”

“It does feel different,” Jack allows.

“Oh, Lord!” Bitty groans and puts his head in his hands. “You are one of the last people I ever would have imagined talking about this sort of thing with, Jack Zimmermann. I need to go to bed before you start _actually_ giving me pointers.”

“Good night, Bittle,” Jack laughs.

“Good night, Jack,” Bitty responds before shutting his window

* * *

Bitty knows now that, despite Jack’s sexuality, he doesn’t stand a chance in hell with him. Jack isn’t coming out any time soon, and he doesn’t want to drag anyone into the closet with him. So when Grant tries to kiss him during their coffee date at Annie’s, a few days after Jack comes out to Bitty, Bitty lets him. 

It’s not an Earth shattering kiss, but it’s nice. It’s warm and soft and Bitty enjoys it. When he’s back in his room working on a video for his vlog that night, Grant texts him to ask him out to dinner for a second date. Bitty happily says yes. Jack is never going to date Bitty. It’s time for him to move on.

* * *

It takes four dates before Jack finally notices that Bitty is going out with someone. 

There’s a knock at the door that Ransom gets up to answer. “Yo, Bits! Your boy is here!” 

“I’m almost ready!” Bitty yells from upstairs.

“His boy?” Jack whispers in confusion to Shitty.

“Yeah, Grant.” Shitty responds.

“Who’s Grant?”

Shitty looks at Jack like he’s insane before smiling at someone behind Jack and exclaiming, “Grant, my man! Good to see ya, brah!”

“Uh, hey, Shitty, right?” a smooth, deep, English accented voice responds.

Jack turns around and glares at, presumably, Grant in confusion. Jack is just about to ask Grant how he knows Bittle when Bitty himself comes down the stairs wearing a soft smile and says, “Sorry for the wait. They aren’t giving you any trouble are they?”

“Not yet,” Grant laughs before leaning down and kissing Bitty gently.

“FINE!” Ransom and Holster exclaim at the same time. 

Bitty huffs in exasperation. “You two. I swear.” He’s smiling as he pulls a bill from his wallet and hands it to Ransom. 

“Now, Grant,” Holster starts, “we expect our bittiest bro home by,” he hums in mock contemplation, “no later than two,” Shitty snorts at this, “thoroughly fucked-”

“Okay! That’s enough! We’d better get goin’! See y’all later! Definitely not at two, thank you very much!” Bitty ushers Grant out the door and waves a final goodbye over his shoulder as the door swings shut behind him.

Shitty, Ransom, and Holster burst into laughter. 

“So, euh, Grant is Bittle’s boyfriend?” Jack asks.

“Bro, duh.” Holster responds

“How long has that been a thing?” Jack doesn’t remember Bittle ever mentioning dates or a boyfriend to him.

“Since Screw I guess,” Ransom says as he flops down onto the couch with Shitty and Jack.

“You think they’re finally gonna fuck tonight?” Holster asks.

“Bro it’s like their fourth date, they’re definitely gonna fuck! I’m so proud of our frog, Holtzy!” Ransom holds out his fist for Holster.

“Dude I’m so proud of _us_! We’re the ones who set them up!” Holster bumps his fist against Ransom’s.

There’s a pit in Jack’s stomach but he doesn’t know how it got there. He shouldn’t care that his teammate is going out on a date, or that his teammate has a boyfriend, or that his teammate might lose his virginity before the day is over. Jack maybe has an inkling of how this pit got in his stomach. 

He doesn’t want Bittle to have sex with this Grant guy. He doesn’t even want Bittle to have _dinner_ with this Grant guy. But Bittle isn’t Jack’s boyfriend. He’s Jack’s friend, one of his best friends even. But that’s all they are. Jack told Bittle he wouldn’t act on his feelings if he ever had feelings for a guy again. Everything he told Bittle that night still holds true. He can’t _do_ anything. Besides it’s not like Jack is in love with Bittle. He just _really_ doesn’t want Bittle to have sex with this Grant dude. 

Jack’s attracted to Bittle. This isn’t new. He’s known this since August. Bittle is very much one of those guys that Jack would have asked out were the circumstances different. It’s just that those circumstances are more than just Jack being in the closet. It’s also Bittle being Jack’s liney and friend. Jack can’t do anything. Bittle deserves to date and be happy. And Jack can tamp down his attraction, he’s been fighting it all year anyway. Jack really hopes Bittle was just joking about asking for blow job advice. He doesn’t think he can handle a discussion on blow jobs with Bittle. And now Jack needs to retreat to his room because he’s thinking about blow jobs, and Bittle, and teaching Bittle how to give a blow job.

Jack is fucked.

Bittle gets in at twelve. Jack does not leave his room to interrogate Bittle for deets like the rest of their friends do.

* * *

Playoffs kick off into high gear and Jack is relieved to funnel all his energy into hockey. He and Bittle are connecting on the ice better than they ever have and Jack wonders if it’s the great hockey they’re playing that made him attracted to Bittle or his attraction to Bittle that makes their hockey great. Jack is afraid that one of those options dooms him to a life of always being attracted to his lineys. 

Bitty and Grant haven’t had any time to schedule a fifth date with the team buckling down for playoffs, but Bitty isn’t too bothered by this. He enjoys his dates with Grant, but there’s always a small part of him that wishes he could ask Jack out instead. It doesn’t help Bitty that Jack insists on getting Annie’s with him at every opportunity they have. Nor does it help when Jack pays for Bitty’s coffees and whoopie pies, nor does the way Jack’s knees knocking against Bitty’s in their booth by the front window help, nor does Jack’s fake grimace that turns into a terribly concealed smile every time he steals a sip of Bitty’s coffee, “For quality assurance, Bittle! Yep still terrible,” help. It’s rather hard for Bitty to miss his dates with Grant when he gets to spend his time with Jack.

Grant texts Bitty every day though, and attends all their home games. Grant even makes a “Yo, be my boyfriend, #15” poster that he brings to the home games and the boys never fail to chirp Bitty over. He’s sweet and Bitty likes the attention. Their fifth date is set for “when the season ends,” and Bitty, despite all his feelings for Jack, is looking forward to it. Of course, he would prefer to have a standing date set with Jack though. Bitty will continue to make do with his pseudo dates at Annie’s.

* * *

It isn’t until Jack’s getting feedback on his midterm photography project that he realizes just how _bad_ he has it for Bittle. That it’s more than just attraction. His theme for the project is supposed to be the team, but somehow the focus is Bittle. 

Greg, who always has _something_ to say about everyone’s photos, is the one who draws Jack’s attention to it. Bittle. Is. In. Every. Picture. And not just that. He practically glows. Jack somehow managed to frame Bittle as the central figure in every photograph and capture him as though the sun shines out his ass. Jack is starting to suspect he might be in love with Bittle. Bittle has a boyfriend, and Jack is in the closet. He has to sit on this until he moves on. Bittle deserves better.

* * *

Now that he sees it, Jack can’t stop noticing it. Bittle is magnetic. 

Bittle’s baking? Well, maybe Jack should go study in the kitchen with him. 

Bittle is listening to pop music a little too loud? Well, Jack better chirp him until he shares his headphones and talks about Sia or whoever for twenty minutes. 

There’s a space next to Bittle at team breakfast? That’s Jack’s spot now. 

Bittle’s in the reading room? Maybe he wants some company. 

Bittle’s on his phone again? Time to chirp him and steal his phone. 

Jack has been flirting with Bittle under the thinly veiled guise of chirps all year long. He’s pathetic. Maybe that’s why Bittle asked him all those questions about what Jack would do if he liked a guy. He’s pathetic _and_ transparent.

* * *

After they lose the Frozen Four, Bittle finds Jack’s hiding spot and comforts him. Jack desperately wants to kiss him. He smells like sweat and ice and it should be gross but Jack loves it. He’s got a helmet crease in his hair, but his hair also looks invitingly soft; Jack wants to run his fingers through it. His cheeks are tear streaked, and Jack wants to kiss the tears away. Jack wants to ask Bittle how serious things are with Grant and if he’d be willing to break up with his hot rugby playing boyfriend with an even hotter accent to start a long distance, closeted relationship with one of his best friends, and, yeah, that’s a terrible idea. On every level it’s a terribly horrible, ill conceived, mess of an idea. Jack hugs Bitty harder instead. And if a few tears slip out for the relationship that Jack can’t have, well, Bitty doesn’t have to know.

* * *

Playoffs ended a week ago, but Bitty still finds himself distractedly daydreaming about ways in which he could have played better, played faster, done more to help the team win. He let the seniors down. He let Jack down. If he were stronger, if he bulked up more, if he could handle a check better, then maybe they could have got in just one more point. 

“Eric,” Grant interrupts Bitty’s self-deprecating train of thought and pulls him back to the present. They’re finally having their fifth date in an Italian restaurant called Sal’s, and Grant is holding a forkful of his tiramisu in front of Bitty. “Try this. It’s amazing!” Grant says as he waves his fork a fraction closer to Bitty.

Bitty reaches for Grant’s fork but Grant pulls it back.

“No, uh, I wanted to feed you,” Grant blushes a little when he admits this and Bitty’s heart goes out to him. 

Bitty smiles softly at Grant and leans forward to take the bite of tiramisu off Grant’s fork. He winks playfully at Grant as he wraps his mouth around the fork and the two of them fall into peals of laughter. 

“It _is_ good,” Bitty smiles at Grant after he finishes the tiramisu and chases it with a sip of his soda. 

Grant is fidgety and plays with the crumbs on his plate with his fork for a few moments before he takes in a deep breath and says, “Eric, I know we had to sort of put a pause on things for playoffs, but with hockey over now I’ve been wondering if, maybe, if you’d want to be my boyfriend?”

He hates himself for it, but Bitty’s mind immediately jumps to the memory of Jack crying on him after their last game. He wonders what Jack will think if Grant is Bitty’s boyfriend. If he’d even care or if he’d be jealous on a superficial level at the least. Jealous because Bitty gets to date a boy while Jack can’t have that. 

In Bitty’s fantasy world he’d come home after his date with Grant and announce, “Guess who has a boyfriend!” and Jack would retreat to his room while the rest of the boys chirp Bitty. Later that night Bitty would knock on Jack’s door and when Jack lets him in he’d say, “I have a bone to pick with you, Mr. Zimmermann. Why didn’t you congratulate me for dating Grant?” Jack would turn away from Bitty and run his fingers through his hair a few times before saying, “Because I couldn’t. Because I’m _not_ happy for you. Because _I_ want to be your boyfriend.”

“Eric? What do you say?” Once again Grant has to pull Bitty out of a Jack influenced daydream. 

Bitty knows better. Jack made his position very clear to him. There is no chance of Jack ever dating Bitty, even _if_ he’s attracted to Bitty—and Bitty’s not even sure of that. “Yes, Grant,” he says, “yeah, I’d love to be your boyfriend.”

* * *

Bittle’s oven is on the fritz and Bittle has gone out with Grant every evening to distract himself from his lack of an oven. Before the oven had started to die Jack could find Bittle at any given time. Bittle could always be found in either his room or the kitchen. Now though, Bittle is rarely home and Jack misses him. Jack misses their combination study/baking sessions, he misses chirping Bittle on his poor study habits, he misses watching Bittle, flour dusted and soaked in afternoon sunlight, roll out pie crust after pie crust.

Bittle stares dejectedly into the kitchen and sighs before waving goodbye to Jack and Shitty in the living room. He’s headed over to Grant’s again to study. Grant doesn’t have an oven, but he does live in the dorms. Bittle gets access to the student kitchens there at least. Jack wants him in the Haus though. Jack needs to get Bittle a new oven. It doesn’t take much work for Jack to convince the team to chip in for a new one for Bittle’s birthday. 

As much as Jack hates Bittle’s new distraction technique, he has to admit that Bittle’s Grant induced absence around the Haus is helpful when it comes to planning his surprise. Jack and Dex can openly discuss how they’re going to get the new oven delivered and installed without worrying about Bittle walking in on them planning because, for the most part, Bittle is with Grant. Jack is _fine_ with this. Jack does _not_ spend his time wondering what it is Bittle and Grant do together when they’re away from the Haus. Jack does _not_ stare intently at the hickeys Bittle sports low on his neck when he comes home late at night. Jack is focused on this new oven for Bittle. Jack tells himself the payoff on the surprise will all be worth it when whatever gift Grant gives Bittle is dwarfed by a shiny new oven.

* * *

Bitty wakes up on his birthday to a lovely text from his mom and a slightly dirty snapchat from Grant. He responds to both with the proper enthusiasm for each before he gets out of bed and dresses for the day. 

Bitty realizes fairly quickly that his friends are planning something for him when they herd him around campus all day and refuse to let him go back to the Haus for his forgotten notes. Jack brings the notes to him instead, but when Bitty mentions his birthday Jack apologizes for not knowing that it’s today.

Jack rushes back to the Haus after that, and Bitty turns to Lardo and tells her he’s going to visit Grant. He’s more hurt by Jack’s obliviousness than he’d like to admit, and he needs to see someone who he knows cares about him the way he wants.

Grant greets Bitty with an enthusiastic kiss before he pulls Bitty in by his hips and shuts the door. 

“Hi,” Bitty whispers.

“Happy birthday,” Grant smiles crookedly at Bitty and Bitty melts. “I have something for you.” Grant shuffles around in his closet for a second before pulling out a green gift bag addressed to Bitty.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Bitty leans up and kisses Grant again.

“Are you gonna open it?” Grant laughs.

Bitty laughs back and pulls the tissue paper out of the bag. Inside, Bitty finds a Starbucks travel mug, a bag of coffee, and a gift card. It looks a bit like Grant only remembered Bitty’s birthday while standing in line at Starbucks, but Bitty knows that Grant knows that Bitty likes coffee. Bitty does talk about his trips to Annie’s with Jack a lot. It’s a thoughtful gift really. Bitty smiles up at Grant and hugs him.

“Do you want your other present now, or did you actually want to study?” Grant smirks and plays with the hem of Bitty’s shirt.

“Oh? My _other present_?” Bitty coyly snakes his hand under Grant's shirt and runs his fingers along his abs. 

In no time, Grant is lavishing Bitty’s bare chest with kisses while his fingers wander to Bitty’s zipper when the shrill ring of Grant’s phone interrupts them. 

“You gonna get that, honey?” Bitty asks.

“Ignore it. Enjoy this.” Grant kisses Bitty’s hip bone and finally gets Bitty’s jeans unbuttoned. 

The phone stops ringing only to start up again immediately, and Bitty leans over to Grant’s bedside table to see who’s calling. The screen reads Justin Oluransi. “Why is Ransom calling you, Grant?”

Grant jumps up immediately and snatches the phone from Bitty’s hand. “Oh, shit, I forgot! I gotta take this, Eric. I’m sorry.” Grant pulls his shirt back on and steps into the hallway before answering his phone. When he returns he kisses Bitty and tells him that they need to go to the Haus because Justin needs help studying for their final. 

“Oh am I finally allowed back in the Haus? Those boys and Lardo have been keeping me away from the Haus all day, Grant. They’re planning something! I hope they’re getting rid of that darn couch.”

“Is that so?” Grant laughs as he tosses Bitty’s shirt to him. 

Nursey runs up to Grant and Bitty when they get close to the Haus and demands that Bitty hand his phone over. “What exactly are y’all planning? Why do I need to log into Twitter for you, Nursey?”

“For posterity Bitty!” Nursey yells as he walks away, happily tweeting on Bitty’s phone. 

Bitty turns to Grant and asks, “Do you know what’s going on?”

“I can honestly say that I do not,” Grant smiles and kisses Bitty’s forehead. “I was only told to distract you until it was time to bring you over.”

“Incoming!” Nursey shouts as he walks into the Haus. Jack shuffles nervously where he stands near Dex and the new oven. 

“What if it’s not the right kind of oven?” Jack whispers to Dex. 

Dex furrows his brows and gives Jack a puzzled look. “Dude, not to channel Nursey, but chill,” he whispers back.

“Alright y’all, I’m home! You kept me out of the Haus all day but I’m here now. Are y’all not gonna yell surprise? Grant, where is everyone?”

Jack’s hands are sweating and he can feel his heartbeat in his gut. He rubs his hands against his thighs and locks eyes with Bitty when he rounds the corner and enters the kitchen doorway.

“Oh, why are y’all all in the kitchen?” Bittle’s eyes shift across everyone's faces before he finally notices the new oven. “Oh,” he says softly. His hands fly up to his face and tears start to gather in his eyes. “Y’all did this for me?” he whispers.

“It was Jack’s idea!” Chowder shouts. 

Jack has an armful of crying Bittle before he even realizes it.

“I thought you forgot my birthday,” he whispers. 

“Of course I didn’t, Bittle,” Jack squeezes Bitty tightly and resists the urge to press a kiss into his hair. 

* * *

As Jack watches Bitty smile at his phone after Jack’s graduation, he can’t stop thinking about the way Bitty fell asleep on his shoulder on the roof of Faber the night before, and what might have been if Jack had been aware of his feelings earlier, or if Bitty didn’t have a boyfriend.

“What are you twittering, Bittle?” Jack asks. He’s a masochist. Jack _knows_ Bitty doesn’t smile at his phone like that when he’s on Twitter.

Bitty throws his head back and laughs before shaking his head at Jack and saying with a broad grin, “You know very well that’s not what it’s called, Mr. Zimmermann. I’m texting Grant.”

It’s only confirmation of what Jack already expected.

Bitty slips his phone away and continues to say his goodbyes to the boys, who are just heading home for the summer, and to Shitty who is, like Jack, leaving Samwell for good.

When Bitty turns to say his goodbyes to Jack he looks as sad as Jack feels. Jack only considers telling Bitty how he feels for one fleeting moment before Bitty steps back in surprise and pulls his phone back out. “Grant is calling me,” He quietly says before smiling bitterly at Jack.

“I’ll Skype you,” Jack promises.

* * *

Jack upholds his promise and Skypes Bitty that evening as he unpacks his kitchen.

“You waited until we were chatting to start unpacking that kitchen of yours, didn’t you, Mr. Zimmermann?” Bitty chirps.

“I swear it wasn’t on purpose, Bittle,” Jack laughs and sets down a stack of plates before he breaks them, “but aren’t you happy you get to see my kitchen?”

“No, I am incredibly jealous, Jack!” Bitty groans. “I want to be there.”

“Well, you’re welcome to visit. You can even name the oven for me!”

“Don’t tempt me, Jack! You’ll open your front door one day and I’ll be standing there with five suitcases full of baking equipment.”

“Is that a promise, Bittle? Oh no what a hardship, Bittle is baking me pie!” Jack puts on a mocking voice and shoots Bitty a shit eating grin.

Bitty huffs and glares at Jack, and Jack tries to stifle his laughter before it bursts out of him anyway.

“Fine, Mr. Zimmermann. When should I visit?”

“You should just stay with me before your pre-season.”

“Well for how long, Jack?”

“Hell, Bittle, you could stay all summer if you want to.”

Bitty shakes his head at Jack, but smiles nonetheless and says, “How about I come up for the begining of August? I can bake you a birthday pie.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Bittle.”

He may be starting a new chapter of his life that Bitty and his friends won’t be a part of, and Bitty may be on his own journey that Jack can’t join, but they’re still there for each other. Jack knows that he and Bitty will always have each other’s backs. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Lord, I just, ugh!” Bitty groans loudly and throws his head down on his bed, jostling his laptop slightly. 

“Nice to see you too, Bittle,” Jack chirps.

“I’m sorry, Jack. I shouldn’t bring my personal problems to you.”

“Why not? I’m your friend. If you can’t complain to your friends, who can you complain to?”

It’s late June and Bitty is feeling the strain of long distance with Grant. He bites his lip for a second before letting out a breath and saying, “Grant is upset with me.”

“Why?” Bitty can hear the confusion in Jack’s tone and it relieves some of the guilt that Bitty feels. 

“I mentioned how my mama has been bugging me to invite you to visit for the Fourth, and Grant told me _he_ could visit, but I told him I didn’t want him visiting because my parents don’t know about him.”

Jack hums and says, “I didn’t know your mom wants me to visit. You know I’m free, right?”

“I don’t think Grant would be very happy if you visited me after I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable with him being here.”

Instead of saying, _who cares what Grant wants, I want to see you_ , Jack says, “Yeah, I get it.” They fall into a contemplative silence until Jack breaks it with, “So what are you going to do about Grant? Are you going to let him visit you? Or go and visit him?”

“I can’t afford a flight to London right now, and I don’t feel comfortable letting Grant pay for me to visit him. Our relationship is still so new. I don’t know what to do, Jack,” Bitty continues. “I can’t have him visit me here. My mama knows about _all_ of my friends, but I’ve never mentioned Grant to her before. It would leave too many questions that I can’t answer right now.”

Jack hums and says, “I understand, Bittle. Grant should respect your reservations about him visiting you.”

“I just feel so guilty, Jack.”

“Don’t. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

* * *

Shitty and Lardo catch wind of Bitty’s plans to visit Jack in August over a group Skype chat and a game of Pretend You’re Xyzzy. When Bitty arrives at Logan, Shitty and Lardo excitedly wait for him next to a sheepish looking Jack.

“They assumed they were staying with me for the week too. After they found out you were coming up,” Jack quietly confesses to Bitty in the kitchen while Shitty and Lardo are distracted, looking for something to watch on the TV.

“Lord, that’s fine, Jack,” Bitty smiles. “I always love hanging around Shits and Lards.”

“Bits, what do you think?” Shitty calls over the back of the couch as Bitty and Jack exit the kitchen.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Shitty,” Bitty responds.

“There’s an absolute asshole on this Reddit thread I was showing Lards talking about how her boyfriend came out to her as bi, so she broke up with him because she was worried he’d cheat on her.”

“That’s horrible,” Bitty says with a frown. 

“Grant’s gay right, not bi?” Shitty asks.

Bitty hums in confirmation.

“If he came out as bi what would you do?” Shitty asks around a potato chip. 

Bitty shrugs and says, “I’d probably wonder what happened to make him realize that he’s bi when he’s identified as gay since he was 12. But if you’re asking if I’d break up with him over it, no, of course not.”

“I dated a girl for a hot second who ended things when she found out that I’m bi,” Lardo says.

Jack clears his throat and asks, “Why?”

“She said something really stupid like, she couldn’t stomach the thought of sleeping with me anymore when she knew that I’d had dick inside me before. But with most dudes it’s like the first thing they want to know is if I’m down for a threesome.”

Lardo takes a long sip of her wine before continuing, “For bi dudes, though, they have to deal with different bullshit. Like, bi girls are perceived as adventurous straight girls, but bi dudes are thought of as gay men clinging to whatever vestiges of heterosexuality they have left. Which is why biphobic lesbians are afraid bi girls will leave them for a dude and biphobic straight girls are afraid bi dudes will leave them for a man. There are a lot of people who don’t take bisexuality seriously.”

Jack hums thoughtfully and Bitty slips his gaze over to him for a moment to gauge how he’s handling the conversation. His eyes briefly meet Bitty’s before they flick away and his cheeks tinge slightly pink.

Jack clears his throat again and reaches for the remote. “Did you guys pick something to watch?” He asks.

“Don’t change the channel!” Shitty shouts, “ _Eclipse_ is about to come on and I’m gonna turn it into a drinking game. Drink any time one of the characters is emotionally manipulative or racist.”

Shitty doesn’t make it through the whole movie before he’s drunk off his ass. “I’m gonna put him to bed,” Lardo announces as she helps Shitty to his feet. “Be right back.”

While Lardo and Shitty trudge down the hallway together, Jack tosses the remote to Bitty and says, “You can change it if you want.”

“And miss getting to see if Bella and Edward finally get to fuck,” Bitty laughs as he flips through the channels. 

A few minutes after settling into an old episode of Catfish Jack says, “I don’t think Lardo’s coming back.”

“Oh, Lord, she _has_ been gone for a while hasn’t she?” Bitty glances behind the couch and back towards the kitchen as if Lardo is waiting to jump out and surprise them. Bitty takes in an audible breath and says, “So, how did you feel about that conversation?”

“Which one?” Jack reaches over and starts cleaning up Lardo and Shitty’s mess of chip bags and empty glasses.

Bitty shuts off the TV and helps Jack clean up as he says, “The one Shitty and Lardo started, about,” Bitty pauses to drain the rest of his wine and continues, “being bisexual.”

“Ah.” Jack laughs awkwardly and loads the dishwasher. “It was… I don’t know.”

Bitty hums questioningly and Jack turns to face him after starting the dishwasher. Jack exhales, shuts off the kitchen light, and heads back to the living room. 

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

“No, I don’t mind. I’m just trying to find the right words.” Jack glances around the living room for a moment before saying, “Do you want to go outside?”

Bitty gestures for Jack to lead the way and follows him out onto the balcony. They sit silently together for a few moments as Jack gathers his thoughts. When he’s ready, Jack says, “I guess, being as closeted as I am, I haven’t ever really considered biphobia before. I mean,” Jack pauses and rubs his hands against his thighs, “shit, for the longest time I didn’t even think I was… queer. If that makes sense…”

“I think,” Bitty hums. “You mean, like, you didn’t even know you were supposed to think of yourself as anything other than… yourself?”

“Yeah,” Jack agrees. “I thought—I don’t want to use the word normal but—I thought I was normal, that _everyone_ thought boys and girls were cute. For a long time, I thought that. But my sexuality has always been secondary to hockey, you know? I mean I didn’t even really ever recognize _any_ attraction for anyone until I was in high school.” 

“You’re Jack Zimmermann. I expect everything comes second to hockey.”

Jack releases a bitter laugh and says, “Yeah. I’m trying to be better now. Balance my life out more. Hockey isn’t everything,” Jack smiles grimly at Bitty. “It’s taken me a while to figure that out.

“But back when I was a kid,” Jack continues, “I was able to ignore my sexuality because I was so hyper focused on hockey. People have always called me a hockey robot, you know? I think I leaned into that when I was a kid. I didn’t have to think about crushes or acknowledge my feelings if I was a hockey robot. So, hearing Lardo talk about the biphobia she’s dealt with, I guess it surprised me.”

“How so?”

“It’s not something I’ve ever considered. I mean, I still feel like the way I feel is normal so everyone _must_ be able to understand it.”

“That makes sense. Biphobia is surprising to you because sometimes you forget that not everyone can comprehend feeling attraction for more than one gender.”

“Yeah,” Jack confirms.

“I thought I was normal until my first pee wee football game. After that game I was forced to confront that there was something wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Bittle,” Jack interrupts.

Bitty sighs and smiles at Jack, “I know, but that’s how it felt. I got tackled really hard, and before I could get up the boy who tackled me called me… well, you know.”

Jack winces and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

“Lord, I didn’t even know what it meant at the time. But it’s shaped so much of my life.”

“Is that why- the checking?”

“Maybe,” Bitty hums. “I was bullied all through school, Jack. Could be any number of things. Maybe the closet incident.”

“What’s that?”

“Did the boys not tell you?”

Jack furrows his brow and frowns slightly as he says, “I think Shitty might have mentioned something about a closet, but he was so fired up, it was hard to understand him.”

“The football team locked me in a supply closet overnight back in middle school.” 

Bitty says it so nonchalantly that Jack thinks he might have misheard him. He gapes at Bitty for a moment and says, “They-”

Bitty hums in confirmation.

“ _Crisse,_ Bitty.”

“What, not Bittle?” Bitty jokes.

Jack stares at Bitty incredulously. “The fact that you are able to play hockey at the level you do, and play incredibly well. Play as an invaluable asset to the team. The fact that you have learned how to take a check after the shit you’ve been through. _Crisse,_ you are the strongest person I know, Bittle.”

Bitty scoffs and says, “Have you looked in the mirror?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Lord, Jack, look at everything you’ve accomplished and have had to overcome to get here. Look at everything you _still_ have to overcome to stay here.” Bitty shakes his head and smiles at Jack. “You, sir, are the strongest person that _I_ know.”

Jack laughs bitterly. “I’m a coward, Bittle. You’re out and proud and open about who you are, and I’m-”

“Stop.”

Jack snaps his mouth shut and meets Bitty’s stern gaze.

“Everyone comes out at their own pace. Our situations are very different, Jack. Besides, your parents actually know that you’re bi. I’m still hiding from mine.”

“That’s not fair, Bittle.”

“Exactly,” Bitty shoots Jack a meaningful look and he continues, “we can’t compare each other.”

Jack nods at Bitty and settles back into his chair. He looks out into the Providence night as the two of them slip into silence once more.

* * *

There’s still no sign of Lardo when they get back inside.

“She must have gone to bed,” Jack whispers to Bitty as they head to the guest bedroom.

“Goodnight, Jack,” Bitty says as he twists the doorknob.

“Goodnight-” Bitty struggles with the door and Jack frowns at him and asks, “What’s wrong?”

“I think the door is locked.”

Bitty steps out of the way and Jack tries the door for himself to find that Bitty’s right. “She must have locked it,” Jack says. He runs his hands through his hair and sighs, “Well, I have a king. I’m sure you, Shitty, and I can all fit in there.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. I honestly don’t even care where I sleep, I’m so tired.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept you up.”

“If anything, _I_ kept _you_ up, Mr. Zimmermann,” Bitty laughs.

When they enter Jack’s bedroom, they find the bed made and untouched. “Huh,” Jack bites his lip and glances at Bitty briefly.

“Do you think Shitty and Lardo figured their shit out?” Bitty muses, lips pressed into a thin line.

“I’m sorry, Bittle. I had no idea this would happen. If you aren’t comfortable sharing with me, I can take the couch.” Jack rubs his neck as he apologizes. 

“Lord, I am not kicking you out of your bedroom, Mr. Zimmermann. If anyone is taking the couch it’s me. As it stands, however, I am fine with sharing a bed with you. Which side do you usually sleep on?” Bitty gestures to the bed. 

“Closest to the window usually.”

Bitty nods and heads for the guest bathroom in the hallway. Jack inhales deeply and tells himself to hold it together. He prays that he doesn’t pop a boner in the middle of the night or subconsciously start cuddling Bitty in his sleep. 

When Jack wakes in the morning, Bitty is tucked into his chest. They are both facing each other and holding one another. Jack carefully extracts himself from Bitty’s arms and heads to the bathroom.

* * *

“So,” Bitty starts as he sits down to breakfast, “y’all shared a bed last night.” He smirks and raises his brows to Shitty and Lardo.

Shitty blushes and sputters on a bite of sausage. 

“Yup,” Lardo says, expressionless.

“And…?” Bitty prompts.

“And?” Shitty squeaks.

Jack snorts into his coffee cup. “You’re the one who always digs for deets, Shits,” he says.

“Deets? There are no deets,” Shitty blushes.

Lardo clears her throat and says, “There are no deets. We’ve spent a lot of time together this summer.”

Bitty and Jack share a glance that says, they’re definitely boning.

* * *

Lardo and Shitty lock themselves in the guest bedroom every evening before Bitty or Jack excuse themselves to bed. Jack and Bitty consequently find themselves sharing Jack’s bed every night.

Jack manages to wake up and extract himself from Bitty’s embrace before Bitty wakes up every morning except the last. 

When Bitty accidentally brushes his thigh against Jack’s morning wood, he gasps and Jack groans and thrust his hips forward. Bitty shoots out of bed and his movement jostles Jack to full awareness. It takes half a moment after Jack’s locked eyes with a red-faced and shocked Bitty for Jack to fully register what’s just happened. 

“Oh, shit!” Jack sits up in bed and gathers the blanket over his crotch. His face flushes as deeply as Bitty’s.

Bitty spins around on his heel and shouts, “It’s okay! It’s fine! Totally natural! Happens to everyone!” He grabs his phone off the nightstand and heads for the door. “I’m gonna- Bye!” He says with a wave over his shoulder all while resolutely not turning back to face Jack.

Jack falls back against his pillow and groans into his hands, “ _Tabarnak_.”

That afternoon, when Bitty, Lardo, and Shitty gather by Jack’s door to say goodbye to him, Jack and Bitty exchange awkward fist bumps instead of their usual hug, having silently agreed to distance themselves as much as possible from how they woke up.

Bitty has a boyfriend waiting to greet him after a long summer apart. He can’t afford to think about his best friend's dick.

* * *

Bitty’s never been more excited to show off a Halloween costume before, and he can’t wait to see Grant's reaction to it. Bitty and Grant didn’t celebrate their 6 month anniversary the week prior, so Bitty is excited to be able to _celebrate_ tonight, and he’s certain the costume is only going to help. 

Ransom, Holster, and Lardo burst into boisterous yelling and wolf whistles when Bitty makes his way downstairs to help them finish setting up the Haus.

“ _Someone_ is definitely getting laid tonight!” Holster yells before grabbing Bitty and spinning him around in a circle.

“Y’all,” Bitty laughs as he chastises his friends slightly.

“So, if you’re a puck bunny, and I’m a hockey player…” Lardo trails off with a smirk and raises her eyebrows. 

“Couples costume!” Ransom shouts and throws his arms around Bitty and Lardo. 

Holster cups his mouth, leans back, and belts, “Bits and Lards are gonna fuck!” 

“Well, that would be something,” a voice laughs from the hallway.

Bitty spins out from under Ransom’s arm to greet Grant, who’s dressed as a pirate, with a kiss. 

“Why, exactly, are you sleeping with your best friend?” Grant asks.

Bitty’s heart stutters at Grant’s words, immediately associating “best friend” with Jack Zimmermann. He pushes the intrusive thoughts of sleeping with Jack, and the morning wood incident from a few months back, aside, twirls, and says, “Becasue I’m a bunny and she’s a hockey player.”

Grant squints and says, “Yeah, I don’t get it. Do hockey players like to fuck rabbits or something?”

“What? No. It’s ‘cause I’m a puck bunny.”

Grant’s expression is still confused. Ransom walks up to him, slaps his shoulder and says, “Don’t worry about it too much. It’s hockey slang. What matters is that Bitty looks hot as fuck!”

* * *

**Shaking My Head**

**Holster**

Look at our boy!

[.png]

**Shitty**

Get 🥳 It 🍆 Bits 🍑

**Holster**

Bunny Bitty’s booty brings ALL the pirates to the shipyard!

Grant is dressed as a pirate.

**Shitty**

Oh nice! What did he think of the puck bunny costume Bits?

**Nursey**

I’d say he likes it! He has his hand up the back of Bitty’s shorts right now

**Ransom**

Oh yeah, he def thinks Bitty is hot and is into the slutty bunny look, but he hundy percent missed the joke.

**Holster**

Maybe we should sit Grant down for a hockey shit, Rans!

**Jack**

Nice costumes.

* * *

Jack only realizes, when he has a photo directly in front of him, just how much he needs puck bunny Bitty in his life. Jack huffs a frustrated sigh as his mind is assaulted by images of Bitty playing puck bunny and greeting him after a hard won game. 

“Everything is being okay, Zimmboni?” Tater asks as he slides into the booth across from Jack.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. My friends, back at Samwell, are just all together at a party right now. I don’t even like parties.”

Tater hums, “We are here at bar together having fun, no?”

Jack laughs, “Yeah, sorry. It’s just been a while since I’ve seen them, eh?”

“I’m knowing what Zimmboni is needing!” Tater turns around to face the bar before he frantically waves and shouts, “Snowy!” Tater turns back to face Jack and explains, “Zimmboni is needing nice girl. Me and Snowy find Zimmboni puck bunny!”

Jack winces at Tater's words and says, “I don’t know, Tater-”

“Is being no trouble,” Tater interrupts. “I sleep Snowy’s room tonight.” Tater shoots Jack an exaggerated wink and an overeager smile.

* * *

Jack sort of wants to tell this girl not to waste her time with him, but Snowy and Tater won’t stop leering at him from across the bar, and a part of Jack wonders if his friends are right; maybe sleeping with her _would_ help. Bitty isn’t interested in Jack, he has a boyfriend, and he’s undoubtedly getting laid tonight. Jack hasn’t had sex with anyone in almost a year. 

Jack throws back the shot Snowy had left for him at the beginning of the night before standing and offering his hand to the girl. 

* * *

**Shaking My Head**

**Chowder**

Grant is kinda loud in bed

**Holster**

Instead of complaining to the group chat, fine the hell out of Bitty!

**Chowder**

Aw that’s not fair I bring Cait to my room all the time and Bitty has never fined us! And I’m not complaining!!! I swear! Sorry Bitty! I was just stating something that Cait and I learned last night

**Lardo**

Bro you and Farmer are both quiet as mice. Also I think Bitty likes to pretend you and Farmer don’t have a sex life

**Bitty**

I leave for 2 hours to have brunch with my boyfriend and come back to find myself being attacked because my boyfriend can’t keep his voice down? What is this? Also chowder is my infant son please don’t talk about his sex life!

**Nursey**

Bro, C is literally one year younger than you and lost his V card before you! 😂

**Shitty**

Virginity is a social construct! That said, I’m glad you give dick so good you’re boyf can’t keep his mouth shut bits!! Also @chowder get that Fine $ bro! Put a sticky note on his door that says ‘FINE’ next time

**Holster**

Or just yell across the hall. Bro you don’t want to know the number of times Rans and I have fined each other for sex related crimes

**Ransom**

Yo, Jack! I know you’re lurking! What are the NHL fines like!? How much do they charge for loud sex or sexiling your roommate???

**Jack**

$100 for minor fines up to $500 for things like stinking up the plane with your shit or sexiling your roommate too many times. Loud sex is $250.

**Shitty**

You been fined yet, Jacko?

**Jack**

How do you think I know how much the loud sex fine is?

**Nursey**

OOOOOH SHITT!

**Holster**

GET IT JACK!!

**Shitty**

Jack!!! I have NEVER heard you have loud sex before!!! DEETS DEETS DEETS!! It must have been good! was it good?”

**Jack**

Not really. She sounded like a pornstar. It was more annoying than anything. I wanted to fine her by the end of it.

**Ransom**

Boooo!!! For real bro?

**Jack**

Yeah? It sounded fake. 

**Shitty**

Bro did she fake her orgasm?!

**Lardo**

Dude did you leave this pornstar puck bunny high and dry?

**Jack**

It sounded fake from start to finish, but I did rub her clit until she came. Well she said she came anyway. Literally “I’m coming. I’m coming. I’m coming.”

**Shitty**

Huh, well. Maybe she’s just a very vocal individual. Now the question for Bitty is. Is that the case with Grant? Or is Grant vocal because Bitty gives the best dick Grant’s ever had?? DEETS BITS!

**Bitty**

Oh lord I thought we’d moved on from me. There are no deets to share really I mean what is there to say? Grant and I have sex and sometimes Grant gets a little loud

**Shitty**

I want a play by play Bits!! Who’s hands are where when Grant gets the loudest?!?

**Chowder**

Oh I can answer that!

**Bitty**

??? How?

**Chowder**

Oh, yeah, Eric! Right there. Ahh. Yeah. Unf, your fingers. Fffuck Eric. Don’t stop. Yeah, there, yeah! I’m c-ahhh!

**Nursey**

ANDJDHSKDJKEHF BITTY ARE YOU THE TOP!!! Anbshdjegdsksjjwke

**Bitty**

That is NONE of your business, Derek!

**Holster**

Ooo, first named! You’re in trouble now Nursey! 

**Bitty**

I will revoke ALL of your pie privileges!! Don’t test me!

**Lardo**

I can see Bitty being a top

**Bitty**

Maybe we should ask Lardo for deets on HER sex life!

**Lardo**

I’m an open book, baby, ask away

**Holster**

Oh are we finally addressing the elephant in the room?

**Ransom**

👀 are you and Shitty, like, a thing or what?

**Chowder**

Oh they definitely are. I’ve heard Shitty come more times than I ever thought I would

**Jack**

Welcome to the club

**Dex**

Okay, I had to skim read this cuz I just got out of work but what I’m getting is that we could already have that new dryer but C can’t fucking fine anyone to save his life. Does that sound right?

**Nursey**

Yea p much

**Dex**

Dude, fucking fine them!!

**Chowder**

Ok ok! No more loud sex you guys or I’m fining you!!!

**Dex**

Hold on Jack had to pay a $250 fine??? If I hear anyone fucking I’m charging $250!!

**Holster**

Get 👏 us 👏 that 👏 dryer 👏 poindexter!

* * *

After a Skype conversation in mid October, in which Bitty lamented how tragic it is that he wasn’t able to bake as much as he wanted back in August, Jack offered his kitchen up for Bitty to film one of his vlogs in. This is how Jack finds himself cleaning the kitchen in early November with Bitty and asking how Bittle’s relationship with Grant is going.

“Lord, Jack. Things are really nice.” Bitty smiles softly as he passes a wet spoon to Jack for him to dry. 

“That’s good, Bittle.”

“I’m not, like, in love with Grant or anything, but I think I could be. You know? Given time I could fall in love with him.” His smile is a little brighter than it was before, and Jack hates that he isn’t the cause of it.

“Oh, wow. I didn’t realize it was that serious, Bittle.”

“Yeah. I mean, I don’t know what the future is gonna look like, and I’m certainly not in love right now, but who knows.”

Jack nods and turns his attention back to drying the dishes. He can’t talk about Grant any more. He instead asks Bittle about his French class and moves to chirping him until Bittle has to leave.

Once his front door is shut and Bitty is gone, Jack is calling his dad before he even realizes it. 

_“Jack?”_

_“Papa,”_ Jack breathlessly says.

_“What’s wrong?”_ Bob’s voice is tinged with concern.

_“I’m in love with Eric,”_ Jack blurts. 

Jack’s confession is met with a few moments of silence before Bob asks, _“Okay, who’s Eric?”_

_“Papa? Eric Bittle? Bitty? My former teammate?”_

_“Oh! Bitty! That makes much more sense. Okay, you’re in love with Bitty, Eric. So, tell him?”_

_“Papa, I can’t.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“I can’t force him into a relationship that only my parents could know about.”_

_“Why are your maman and I the only ones who know about this hypothetical relationship?”_

_“Wh- Papa! You’re the one who told me I shouldn’t tell anyone I’m bi!”_

_“Do your friends not know you’re bi?”_

_“No, of course not! You told me I shouldn’t say anything.”_

_“Oh, Jack. I’m so sorry. That was a long time ago, and it was very poor advice to begin with. I meant you should be careful about who you tell, not that you couldn’t tell anyone. Your friends can know who you are. In fact, I think you should tell them. And as for the Falconers if there’s anyone on the team that you think you could trust you could tell them too if you wanted. There were a few guys who told me something similar back in my day.”_

_“You knew gay and bi players?”_

_“I’m not naming names.”_

_“I don’t want you to. So you think I should tell my friends?”_

_“Yes, Jack. Absolutely.”_

_“Well this still doesn’t help me with my Bittle situation.”_

_“Wait, I thought we already resolved that. Tell him you love him. You know what your Uncle Wayne always says.”_

_“He has a boyfriend, and a relationship with me would still be closeted even if our friends knew. He deserves better than that.”_

_“He deserves to decide for himself if he wants to try a relationship with you, closeted or not. I suppose you can’t do much if he has a boyfriend though. Tell him you love him when they break up.”_

_“Papa!”_

_“What?”_

_“‘When.’”_

_“Well, it’s a college relationship. Those don’t often last beyond graduation, as I understand.”_

_“They’ve been together for almost a year, Papa.”_

_“Hmm. Well, you have a hockey butt! Does this guy have a hockey butt?”_

Jack snorts out a laugh. _“No, but he plays rugby. He’s from fucking England.”_

_“Oh, he’s got a British accent, then. Yikes, sorry Jack! French-Canadian accent vs British. Your mother never had a choice like that and I’m glad for it! She might not have picked me!”_

_“You’re very funny, Papa. Laughing at my misery,”_ Jack deadpans.

Bob laughs boisterously on the other end and says, _“I’m sorry, Jack! Look, it’ll all work out in the end. I’m sure of it. Bittle’s one of your best friends just maintain that and when your time comes, be ready.”_

_“Am I an asshole for wishing heartbreak on my best friend?”_

_“No, you’re a man in love. Well, maybe a little bit of an asshole.”_

_“He told me he could fall in love with him, Papa,”_ Jack’s voice is small and filled with all the longing for Bitty he’s forced himself not to feel until now.

_“Then you make him fall in love with_ you _, Jack. You’re his best friend, and you have a hockey butt, it shouldn’t be hard.”_

Jack laughs before saying goodbye to his father and hanging up. He wants Bitty. He wants a relationship with Bitty. He’s willing to fight for it, and he’s willing to come out to his friends and teammates if it means he can have that relationship.


	3. Chapter 3

Finding a time to come out to all of his friends at once proves to be more difficult than Jack thinks it ought to be. Bitty hosts Hausgiving the week before American Thanksgiving and Jack wants to tell his friends then, but when he walks into the Haus, bottle of expensive red wine in hand, he finds Bitty and Grant making out in the kitchen.

“Fine,” Jack blurts unthinkingly.

Bitty sighs but steps back from Grant. “You aren’t even on the team anymore, Jack!”

“Sorry, Bittle. Gotta get Dex that dryer.”

“I’ll give Lardo a dollar later, my wallet is upstairs. Oh is that wine for me?” 

“Yeah it is. It’s the same as the one you had last time you were over,” Jack says with a glance in Grant’s direction.

Grant gives Jack a closed mouth smile from behind Bitty before he wraps his arms around him and rests his head on Bitty’s.

“Thank you, Jack! You sure do know how to treat a boy right!” Bitty winks at Jack and accepts the wine from Jack’s weakening grip. 

Jack can’t come out with Grant around. It’s not that he thinks Grant would out him, but more the case that if he were in Grant’s shoes, he wouldn’t feel very secure in his relationship if his boyfriend’s millionaire best friend with a hockey butt came out. Especially if said boyfriend looked like Bitty, and if said best friend was in the moronic habit of mentioning how frequently he likes to spend time with said boyfriend. Jack flushes slightly as he turns away from the incomprehensible look that Grant levels him.

* * *

It’s not until a month later that Jack finally has another opportunity to come out to his friends. Shitty and Lardo are on break and as such decide to drive down to Providence and visit Jack. They’re halfway through the bottle of Arbor Mist that Shitty brought with him when Jack thinks about the fact that if his friends had been slightly less inebriated, and slightly more perceptive, he would have come out to all of them, and not just Bitty, over a year ago. 

“Let’s play Never Have I Ever,” Jack says.

“Yes, brah! Never have I ever sexiled an NHLer!” Shitty shouts.

Jack takes a sip of his wine and grumbles about how they already knew that and does it even really count if Tater insisted that Jack wheel her.

“Yes, Zimmermann, that counts. Never have I ever played hockey.”

“Boo!” Shitty shouts after swallowing a mouthful of wine, “Get your boring statements out of here! If it isn’t sex related I don’t want to hear it! You better have something better to say Jacko.”

“Euh, never have I ever had a threesome.”

No one drinks to that. 

“I bet Rans and Holster have,” Lardo speculates.

“Probably together,” Shitty says laughing.

“Did we ever figure out whose dick Holster sucked? It was probably Ransom’s!” tears are gathering in the corner of Lardo’s eyes from her laughter.

“How long until those two realize they’re in love with each other?” Shitty asks.

“You realize that’s what everyone said about the two of you until, well, whatever is going on with you two started,” Jack laughs into his wine glass.

“Maybe that’s the nature of friend groups. Everyone is in love with each other but too afraid to do anything about it out of fear of disrupting the balance of the group. Nursey and Dex have some crazy UST that no one wants to talk about.” Lardo swirls her wine around and raises her eyebrows at Jack as she contemplates this.

Jack bites his bottom lip and glares into his glass. “Maybe,” he responds. “It’s your turn, Shitty.”

“Oh, shit! Uh, never have I ever,” Shitty looks over at Lardo, “had sex with someone the same gender as me.”

“Asshole,” Lardo mutters before taking a sip of her wine.

Jack takes a deliberate swig of wine and makes eye contact with Lardo as they both lower their glasses.

“Holy shit,” Lardo whispers. 

Jack can’t hear it over Shitty’s laughter but he can read Lardo’s lips and her stunned expression. 

“Yeah,” Jack whispers back. 

“Your turn, Jacko!”

“Never have I ever been oblivious to a friend’s coming out.”

“Ha! What?” 

“Take a sip, Shits”

“Actually, you should too, Lards.”

Lardo’s brow furrows and she starts, “When did- never have I ever sucked a dick.”

“Lards, you’ve _definitely_ sucked a dick.”

Jack takes a sip of his wine and says with a shrug, “The only one who noticed was Bitty.”

Understanding dawns on Lardo’s face. She sets her wine glass down and moves to hug Jack. 

“I’m confused,” Shitty says.

“I’m bi,” Jack replies. Lardo hugs him tighter in response. 

Shitty nearly drops his wine glass when everything finally clicks. He runs over and envelopes Jack and Lardo in his arms. “Fuck, Jack. Thanks for trusting us, bro.”

Jack huffs out a laugh and pats Shitty on the back. 

Lardo extracts herself and stares at Jack consideringly. “Okay, why now? You’ve kept this to yourself for four years, surely you knew that you could have told us at any time during those four years. Something happened.”

Jack looks away and rubs his neck, unsure how to respond.

“Oh,” Lardo says softly. 

Jack’s gaze snaps back to her, panic evident in his eyes.

“It’s Bitty isn’t it? You’re in love with him.”

“I’m that obvious?” Jack asks.

“No. I just saw the face you made when I was talking about how everyone in our friend group seems to be in love with each other.”

“Fuck, dude you’re in love with Bitty?” Shitty exclaims.

“How long?” Lardo asks.

“A year at least, but I didn’t recognize it as anything beyond attraction until just before the Frozen Four.” 

“Just when things were starting with Grant. A pretty inconvenient time to realize you’re in love with your best friend. I’m sorry, Jack.” Lardo pats Jack’s hand consolingly.

“Yeah, well.” Jack shrugs.

“Okay, but, like, what if you told him?” Shitty asks.

“He has a boyfriend, Shits. Not to mention I’m not really in a position to date any men. Grant can give him more than I can. I’m not going to try and fuck that up for Bitty.”

“But you’re telling us you’re bi.” Lardo gets up and grabs her wine glass and brings it back to her spot at Jack’s side. 

“Because you guys are my best friends and I wanted you to know this about me.”

“Are you going to tell any of the Falconers?” She asks.

“Probably Tater, maybe a few other guys on the team, definitely George. She’s bi too.”

“Yeah, I know! She’s fucking hot as shit.” Lardo smiles broadly at Jack. 

Jack laughs lightly. He feels lighter than he has in months, since he came out to Bitty actually, almost a year ago. He’s doing the right thing. The right thing for himself. Bittle was right. It’s impossible for Jack to deny this aspect of himself for his whole life. Maybe he could come out publicly under the right circumstances. A cup win, an Olympic medal. Jack doesn’t want to hide anymore. 

* * *

Jack casually comes out to Ransom and Holster over text. To which they respond “Nice!” and “GET THAT BUSSY!” respectively. Three weeks later he comes out to George on a morning jog.

“Not that I don’t appreciate your trust in me, Jack, but I have to wonder why it is you’re telling me. Are you planning anything that I should know about?”

“No, euh, I’m not planning to come out.”

“You could if you wanted to. The team would have your back, I’d make sure of that.”

“I know, thank you. I, euh, I just got tired of hiding. Maybe somewhere down the line I’ll come out publicly. If I’ve won the cup or an Olympic medal.”

George nods understandingly. “Are you going to tell any of your teammates?”

“Yeah, I think, Tater, Snowy, Marty, and Thirdy.” 

“I’m glad to hear that. They’ll have your back. Let me know how it goes when you tell them?”

“Yeah, for sure.” Jack smiles, grateful to have the support of his boss, as he picks up the pace on his jog and challenges George to keep up. 

* * *

The team is out celebrating their latest win on a roadie in Nashville when Jack realizes that this may be as good an opportunity as any to come out to his friends. All the guys he trusts sit with him in the same booth, he’s buzzed on victory and a beer, and Jack decides _to hell with it_. He clears his throat and leans forward before saying, “So, euh, there’s something I want to say.”

Snowy, who sits directly to Jack’s left, hums in question and turns slightly to face Jack before the others follow suit. 

Jack rubs his hands against his thighs a few times and takes a fortifying swig of his beer, he takes a deep breath, and he exhales, “I’m bi.” Jack furrows his brows and avoids his friends’ gazes as he swipes his fingers through the condensation on the table.

It feels like an eternity but it must really only be less than a second before Snowy slaps Jack firmly on the shoulder and asks, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Jack flushes and gapes at Snowy as he sends him a wide-eyed stare. “No,” he responds.

“Oh, sorry, I just thought. You know, since you’re telling us, and you haven’t been receptive to any of the girls Tater and I throw your way since that one chick on Halloween…” Snowy trails off. 

“Euh, no. I, um…” Jack shrugs, having lost his words as well.

“Well, if you need Tater and I to start throwing some dudes your way, in addition to the chicks, we will,” Snowy winks and slaps Jack’s shoulder once more.

Jack laughs in relief with his friends as the tension eases. He’s come out to his teammates and nothing bad has happened yet. Maybe, Jack thinks, he could even come out to the rest of the team at some point.

“Well,” Marty starts, “you may be single for now, but you won’t be for long. Whenever you do find yourself in a relationship, you can bring your partner around us.” 

Jack smiles openly at Marty and says, “I hope I get that opportunity soon.”

* * *

“Lord, Mr. Zimmermann, I had to cancel plans just to be here,” Bitty says in lieu of greeting when Jack answers his front door.

Jack furrows his brow and gapes at Bitty for a moment before responding, “You could have come another-”

“I know, I’m just messing with you, Jack! Grant is a little upset, but he’ll get over it. Besides you’re about to head off on a roadie and I’m not about to pass up any opportunity to use your kitchen!” Bitty passes a cardboard box filled with empty jars to Jack and heads directly to Jack’s kitchen.

With Bitty making more and more jam, Jack has snapped up the opportunity to offer his kitchen to Bitty in exchange for a few jars. It doesn’t hurt that the team loves the jam and they seem to have been playing better ever since Bitty started selling it to them. Tater scored two goals the first night he had Bitty’s blueberry jam. Jack could do without the knowing smirks from Snowy whenever he mentions Bitty, but he knows Snowy only means well.

“Well, I’m glad I get to see you before I head off,” Jack says as he sets the box down on his island and pulls Bitty away from his cabinets and into his arms. 

Bitty laughs into Jack’s chest as he squeezes him back before carefully extracting himself and turning back to Jack’s cabinets so he can grab everything he needs to begin making his jam.

Bitty shoos Jack out of the kitchen shortly after that, and Jack heads to his room to make sure he’s packed for the roadie before grabbing his laptop and heading back to the kitchen. He has some tape that he can watch while Bitty makes his jam.

Jack hears Bitty speaking to someone just before he rounds the corner to his kitchen.

“I’m at Jack’s apartment, Mama,” Bitty says. He smiles grimly at Jack for a moment and mouths, “Sorry,” before humming affirmatively to whatever Suzanne says on the other line. “No, we’re making, uh, pie.” Bitty grimaces and rubs the back of his neck before inhaling deeply and saying, “Listen, Mama, I gotta go before Jack ruins this crust.”

Jack raises his brows at Bitty and quietly moves to stand by the island. 

“Okay. Love you too. Bye, Mama.” Bitty exhales heavily when he hangs up and runs his hands through his hair.

“Why did you-”

“Lie to my mother?” Bitty cuts Jack off.

Jack shrugs at Bitty but says nothing, giving Bitty time to collect himself and respond.

“Lord, it’s the whole thing about the jam.”

“Right, you mentioned. It’s your aunt’s recipe, right?”

Bitty nods before groaning and collapsing over the island, head resting in his arms. “I feel horrible lying to her Jack,” He groans into his arms. “I feel like a monster. First the fact that I’m gay, then the fact that I’m dating someone, now the jam!

And I want to come out to her and my dad,” Bitty continues. “I want to come out to them _so_ bad, but I’m terrified, Jack.”

“You’re not a monster for putting your own well-being first, Bittle,” Jack reassures. 

Bitty huffs before lifting his head slightly to meet Jack’s gaze. “I’ve been thinking about coming out to them this summer,” Bitty quietly confesses. “I just- what if they hate me?”

“They won’t,” Jack says with pure conviction, “but if—not that I think it will—but _if_ the worst happens, and you find yourself in need of money, or a place to stay, or _anything_ , you know I’m here for you right, Bits? Whatever you need I’ve got your back.”

Bitty glares at Jack and says, “I don’t want your money, Jack Zimmermann.”

“I know that, but if it comes to it, I need you to know that I’ll always have your back.”

“Thank you, Jack.” Bitty maneuvers himself into Jack’s space and Jack happily opens his arms for him. He snuggles into Jack’s embrace as Jack tightens his arms around Bitty.

“I- you’re my best friend.” Jack catches himself just in time before nearly blurting his feelings out to Bitty. 

“You’re my best friend too, Jack,” Bitty responds.

Bitty doesn't notice. Jack’s panic starts to recede.

Jack steps back and punches Bitty lightly on the shoulder. “You gonna stay with me for playoffs or are you gonna stay at the Haus?” Jack asks in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“I’m allowed to stay here?”

“Yeah, of course you are. Who else is gonna make my pre-game PB&Js?”

“Oh. Ha. Ha. Mr. Zimmermann. Yeah, if you want, I'd like to stay here after graduation. Get a little more acquainted with your oven.” Bitty affectionately rubs Jack’s stovetop at that. 

“Ha. You use this kitchen more than I do, Bittle. It's practically your oven.” 

“Lord, don’t tempt me, Jack Zimmermann, I might never leave.”

“I wouldn’t mind that.” Jack winks at Bitty. Internally, he wonders why the fuck he did that. Externally, he busies himself with a glass of water. 

Bitty clears his throat and blushes slightly before turning back to his jam preparations.

* * *

“I’m glad we’re doing this,” Grant smiles broadly at Bitty. “Celebrating our anniversary at the same restaurant where we made it official. Bit romantic isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is,” Bitty smiles back.

“Hey, you want to order tiramisu again? I can feed you and shower you in love,” Grant laughs.

“If you want.”

When the tiramisu arrives, Grant scoops up a forkful and feeds it to Bitty. “God, I love you Eric,” Grant says as Bitty chews.

“Oh.” Bitty covers his mouth. He laughs awkwardly and says, “Thank you.”

Grant frowns and grumbles, “Are you ever gonna feel comfortable saying it back? It’s been weeks since I first said it, Eric.”

“I know, Grant. I just don’t want to say it unless I’m one hundred percent certain about it.” Bitty plays with the napkin in his lap and guiltily avoids Grant’s eyes.

“You need to stop thinking and just feel,” Grant huffs.

“Well, I just don’t _feel_ ready to say it back yet.”

Grant and Bitty fall into a tense silence for a few minutes as Grant finishes off the tiramisu on his own and Bitty stares out across the restaurant.

“Is it because of Jack Zimmermann?” Grant blandly asks.

“What?” Bitty gasps in surprise and snaps his gaze back to Grant’s.

“You’re always talking about him and you spend so much time with him. Hell, he’s your best friend, Eric, and I’m not blind. You’d be stupid not be attracted to him at the very least.”

“Grant, this has nothing to do with Jack,” Bitty asserts, irritation seeping into his voice.

Grant sighs and says, “That’s not true. It’s plain as day, Eric, everyone can see that you pine after him. You don’t look at me the way you look at him.”

“Lord, I don’t know what you’re talking about, Grant.”

“Then you’re either lying to me or lying to yourself.”

“Grant,” Bitty says warningly, “he’s my best friend.”

“You know that he’s never gonna love you back, right? I’m right here, Baby, and I love you. Why can’t you let go and allow yourself to have something good?” Grant pleads.

“I can’t help the way I feel, Grant.” Bitty says in a small voice. “I’m sorry I’m not ready to say it back yet.”

“You gotta let go and move on,” Grant advises. “We’ve all had crushes on straight boys before. It hurts, but you’ll get over it. Focus on what’s right in front of you.” Grant reaches his hand out for Bitty’s.

Bitty retracts his hand and leans back before groaning in frustration and taking a long sip of his water.

Grant sighs and decides to change the subject, “Well, anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to London when the semester ends.” 

“Oh, maybe, when are you thinking? Late June? July? I usually do that camp counselor job, but I guess I don’t have to do that this year. I think I should have enough for a plane ticket with my jam profits,” Bitty smiles.

“No, you can still do the camp counselor thing. I was thinking more like right after finals or graduation? So you can see your friends graduate.”

“Oh, I’m staying with Jack after graduation.”

“Christ, Eric, why are you staying with Jack? Why aren’t you going home?”

“Jack’s got playoffs!”

“So?”

“So, I’m gonna stay up here and cheer him on?”

“Eric.”

“Don’t start. All of my friends are staying up here too.”

“But your friends aren’t in love with Jack Zimmermann.”

Bitty huffs and rolls his eyes at Grant before playing with his glass.

“You’re not even going to deny it? You won’t tell me, your boyfriend, that you love me, but you will make damn sure I know that you’re in love with your best friend. Okay, great!” 

“Grant, I’m not-”

“Well, now you’re just lying.”

“What do you want from me, Grant!”

“Fucking show me that you actually give a damn about me, Eric! Jack Zimmermann is not your boyfriend. Are you the only one staying with him?”

“I don’t know.”

“You are, aren’t you?” Grant laughs bitterly. “You know what, Eric? I’ve had enough. I’m done playing second fiddle to Jack Zimmermann. If you care about me and our relationship you’ll come with me to London after graduation. Otherwise,” Grant shakes his head and pulls out enough bills to cover his half of dinner, “otherwise we’re through. Let me know what you decide.” Grant storms out of the restaurant.

* * *

When Bitty arrives back at the Haus he determinedly does not tell anyone how his date went. His stormy attitude gives enough of an indication anyway.

Bitty is angrily editing a paper when Lardo invades his room with a sketch pad. She doesn’t say anything but she sits on his bed and starts drawing him. 

“What are you gonna call it? _The Misery of the Twink_?”

Lardo snorts but says nothing.

Bitty sighs heavily. “Am I an asshole,” he asks.

“Depends,” Lardo responds. “What did you do?”

“Grant told me he loved me about two months ago.”

Lardo whistles lowly.

“I haven’t said it back.”

“Ah. I mean, surely Grant would prefer you to be honest with him than pretend to be in love with him, right?”

“Yeah, but I think he’s starting to,” Bitty sighs and runs a hand through his hair, “I don’t know, get annoyed? He’s starting to lose his patience with me.”

“Well, it’s understandable that someone in a year long relationship would want their partner to love them back.”

“Great, so I am an asshole.”

“I didn’t say that, Bits. You can’t help how you feel. I don’t think it’s fair of him to get on you for not saying it back though.”

“He didn’t.”

“Then why are you in a mood?”

“He got on me for being in love with Jack when I should be in love with _him_.”

Lardo steadily lowers her sketchpad and charcoal pencil and meets Bitty’s gaze. “You told your boyfriend that you’re in love with your best friend?”

“No. But I didn’t deny it when he accused me of being in love with Jack.”

Lardo nods and picks her sketchbook back up again. “I don’t know if you’re an asshole, Bits, but it sure as hell must suck for Grant. He’s probably wondering if you’ll ever be able to love him with Jack around. Do you _want_ to love him?”

“Lord, ain’t that a question? I thought I did. I don’t know anymore. He asked me to go to London with him.”

“Oh, that sounds fun. Are you gonna go?”

“I don’t know. He wants to leave after y’all’s graduation.”

“During playoffs?”

“During playoffs.”

“Jack would understand, if you wanted to go with Grant instead of hang around here.”

“Jack asked me to stay with him after graduation.”

“ _Oh_. Well, he would still understand.”

“He’s my best friend. I should be there for him.”

“He’ll have all of us.”

“But I want to be there for him.”

“I think you and I both already know what you’re going to do, Bits. And there’s nothing wrong with that decision. There’s also nothing wrong with the other decision. You can’t make everyone happy, but, if it’s any consolation, I won’t fault you for prioritizing your own happiness. Here,” she tears her sketch out of her book and hands it to Bitty. “I’m calling it _The Heart of the Twunk_.”

Bitty smiles at her and takes the picture. “I still look pretty miserable though.”

“Such is love. It’s miserable isn’t it?”

“Horrible,” Bitty agrees and fights through a smile.

Bitty picks up his phone, steels himself, and dials Grant’s number.


	4. Chapter 4

The weekend following Bitty’s disastrous date with Grant he is unanimously elected captain. Shortly after he tells Jack, he gets a congratulations text and a request for blueberry pie from Tater. 

Jack can’t make Bitty’s birthday kegster in the following weeks, but he sends Bitty a stand mixer in the mail. Dex finds Bitty crying over it when he enters the kitchen in search of something that isn’t dining hall food. When Bitty finally gets Jack on the phone that evening, he thanks him profusely and berates Jack for spending so much money on him. 

“Let me spoil my friends, Bittle. I’m a millionaire. What else did you get? What did Grant get you?” Jack casually asks. 

Bitty winces slightly in memory of his recent actions and conversations with Grant. “Oh. Grant and I aren’t- That ended. A few weeks ago actually.”

“Oh shit. I’m sorry. Are you okay? Why didn’t you say anything?” Jack asks, concern coloring his voice.

“I don’t know. It felt too raw I guess. I’m okay,” Bitty reassures. It’s honestly disconcerting how okay Bitty is with having ended a year long relationship with someone, but he supposes it’s a testament to how right Grant was about Bitty’s feelings. 

“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking?”

“Grant and I were moving at different paces and we wanted different things.” Bitty dances around the reality of the situation. It’s not like he can very well tell Jack, _Grant accused me of being in love with you instead of him and I couldn’t deny it._

“Oh?”

“Well, anyway, there’s no hurry for me to come out to my parents now, I guess,” Bitty laughs bitterly.

“You aren’t going to come out to them now?” Jack’s voice is quiet and Bitty can practically see the concerned glare that Jack so often gets when he’s worried about something.

“I don’t know. I probably still should. Especially since I’m the first openly gay captain of a Division I NCAA hockey team,” Bitty laughs.

“Shit you are aren’t you? I’m really proud of you, Bits.” Bitty can hear Jack’s smile on the other end.

“Thanks, Jack.” Bitty smiles softly to himself and continues, “Yeah, it wouldn’t be too great for me if ESPN caught wind of my existence before I had the chance to tell my parents I like boys.”

Jack hums in agreement and says, “Yeah.”

* * *

Ransom, Holster, and Lardo’s graduation flies by and Jack mails each of them graduation presents since he’s still neck deep in playoffs. Bitty sobs his heart out as his best friends walk the stage. After their graduation, Bitty takes the train to Providence and lets himself into Jack’s appartment—with the key Jack recently gave him—after Ubering the rest of the way there from the train station. Jack will be back in town in a matter of days, and Bitty has some baking he needs to do for Jack, Jack’s teammates, and his Youtube channel.

After Jack and his teammates return to Providence, it doesn’t take long for Falcs PR to catch onto the pre-game routine that half the team has adopted from Jack, and Jack finds himself cornered into a Falcs TV segment about his pre-game PB&Js. 

_“Euh, yeah, so I usually eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. And, euh, my friend, Bittle, Bitty, Eric Bittle, he euh, plays for Samwell, he likes to bake, and...” Jack shrugs and trails off lamely. He doesn’t really know how to express in words how much Bitty’s sandwiches mean to him._

_Tater and Snowy save Jack from having to continue his stilted explanation as they storm the camera and take over the interview. “Are you talking about Bitty’s jam?” Snowy asks. Without waiting for a reply he continues, “Dude, it is literally impossible to express how amazing Bitty’s jam is. We owe like 95% of our wins to that little dude. My girlfriend has threatened to break up with me and marry him. I-”_

_Tater cuts Snowy off, grips the camera, and very solemnly says, “Blue. Berry,” before the clip ends._

It isn’t long before Suzanne Bittle stumbles across this video herself and calls her son to wax poetic about her jam recipe and how she gets to rub it in Judy’s face now that her son is feeding professional athletes with _her_ jam recipe.

Bitty winces and says, “Yeah, Mama, listen, about the-”

“Oh, Dicky, I’m so proud of you.” 

Suzanne cuts Bitty off and the words lodge themselves in Bitty’s throat and suddenly he’s unable to explain the truth to his mother. Tears prick at Bitty’s eyes as he thinks about all the unsaid things and how he’s been holding his mother back and hiding so much from her for so long. Bitty gently clears his throat and says, “Mama, I gotta go.”

Bitty’s unsure how long he sits in silence in Jack’s living room after hanging up. It could be minutes or seconds, but Jack breaks him out of his daze with a gentle press of fingertips to his elbow and a softly spoken, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’,” Bitty sniffles and forces out a smile. 

Jack’s thumb cautiously trails against Bitty’s check before Jack pulls his hand back and says, “You’re crying, Bits.”

And that’s enough to release the floodgates. Suddenly Bitty is sobbing against Jack’s shoulder and lamenting how awful he feels hiding things and lying to his mother. 

“Bits,” Jack says after Bitty has cried his fill, “I’m not saying you have to come out to her, but you should maybe tell her about the jam, eh?”

Bitty gapes at Jack in horror and shakes his head vehemently. “No! No way! Telling her about the jam would destroy her!”

“I’m just saying, it’ll only get worse the longer you lie to her. Besides, what happens if she _does_ try and gloat to your aunt?”

Jack heads to the kitchen and leaves Bitty to contemplate what he should do. Within a matter of minutes Bitty’s got his mom back on the phone with him.

“Dicky!” Suzanne cheerfully greets. “Are you no longer busy?”

“Uh, yeah, Mama, I got a little time. Listen there’s something I need to tell you,” Bitty says before his mother can start in on one of her rambling tales.

“Oh? What is it?” Suzanne distractedly asks. Dishes clank in the background and Bitty assumes his mother must be prepping dinner.

Bitty chokes on the words as they leave his mouth and what comes out instead is, “Thejamisgay!”

Bitty gasps at the words that have just left his mouth and Jack runs back into the living room. He stares at Bitty wide-eyed and mouth hanging open. Bitty imagines Jack’s expression is a mirror of his own.

“The what?” Suzanne asks slightly strained. The background noise has died down to an eerie silence and Bitty knows he has his mother’s undivided attention now.

Bitty gasps out a half start for an explanation that he can’t give, hangs up, and throws the phone across the couch.

“Hey, you’re okay, bud,” Jack reassures as he gently envelopes Bitty and pulls him into his chest.

Bitty’s phone starts buzzing again and Bitty jumps slightly and squeaks in Jack’s arms.

Jack holds Bitty’s phone out for him and says, “What do you want me to do with it?”

Tears are collecting in Bitty’s eyes. He sniffles and whispers, “Just stay here,” before grabbing the phone and accepting the call.

“Dicky, you there? Our connection musta got cut,” Suzanne says gently.

“Yeah, Mama, I’m here.”

“What was it you were saying?”

“The jam is…” Bitty trails off, inhales deeply and says, “I’m gay. And the jam is Judy’s.”

His confession is met with silence. The gathering tears begin to cloud his vision. “Mama? Say something.”

“I don’t know what to say, Dicky. Which should I respond to first?”

“I don’t know, Mama, just say something,” Bitty sniffles.

“Are you crying?” Suzanne asks.

“Oh! Mama, I gotta go. Jack is calling me.” He hangs up before she even has a chance to say goodbye and collapses into Jack’s arms.

Jack sits down next to Bitty, pulls him so close he might as well be in Jack’s lap, and rubs his back as he whispers reassurances into his hair. When Bitty’s phone starts buzzing again, Jack turns it off.

* * *

“Wait, so she didn’t reject you?” Jack incredulously asks that evening after finally prying an explanation of Suzanne’s response to Bitty’s confessions.

“I didn’t give her a chance to. I know my parents, Jack. They aren’t like yours.”

“Bud, you gotta give her a chance. Maybe she’ll surprise you. She loves you more than anything in the world and she’s been calling you nonstop.” Jack forces Bitty’s phone into Bitty’s hands and shoots him a significant look.

The next time Suzanne calls, Bitty shoots up from the couch, throws Jack a nervous look, and cautiously picks up once he’s closed the guest room door behind himself.

“I gotta say Dicky, I’m a little upset with you for hanging up on me and ignoring my calls. But I’ve had time to cool off, and I think I can forgive you for the jam betrayal.”

“And what about the- the other thing?”

“Oh, Dicky, you’re my son. Nothing’s ever gonna stop me from loving you. You gotta know that.”

“I wasn’t sure,” Bitty chokes out.

Suzanne sniffles on her end of the line and says, “ _Nothing_. You hear me?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You want me to tell your daddy the news?” Suzanne gently asks.

“Yes, please.”

“You know he loves you too, Dicky.”

“I know.” Bitty takes this comment for what it is, confirmation that his dad isn’t going to be so quick to accept him, but a promise that he won’t outright reject him either.

“I suppose Judy’s jam might be a little healthier than mine. And if you’re feedin’ professional athletes that might matter a fair bit.”

Bitty laughs wetly. “Thanks for understanding, Mama.”

“I love you, Dicky.”

“I love you too, Mama.”

They hang up, and Bitty releases the longest exhale of his life.

“Did everything go okay?” Jack asks when Bitty walks back into the living room.

“She said she loves me.”

“Good.” Jack walks over to Bitty and tightly tucks him against his chest.

* * *

After a hard fought and grueling series, that concludes in an overtime goal by Jack, Jack feels euphoric. He smiles up into the falling confetti and feels almost weightless. He did it. He finally did it. The impact of a body wrapping its arms around Jack jostles him from his musings. At the same time Jack looks down Bitty looks up, and the two of them smile and laugh in disbelief. Jack brings his hand up from Bitty’s back to his shoulder and whispers, “I did it.”

“You did it,” Bitty says with the same level of reverence and a beaming grin.

Jack’s hands shake, not with anxiety or nerves, but with anticipation. He licks his lips and Bitty’s eyes flick down. Jack’s hand—acting almost as if it has a mind of its own—slides to the back of Bitty’s neck, and his thumb rubs the crook of Bitty’s jaw. The other hand, still wrapped around Bitty, pulls Bitty even closer. It’s like a puzzle slots into place, and Jack is suddenly untethered from every frivolous expectation that has ever weighed him down. He wants this, he wants Bitty, Bitty is out now, what’s stopping him? Jack bows his head.

Another body collides with Jack and Bitty, and Jack comes crashing back to Earth.

Holster leans over and whispers to Jack, “Dude it totally looked like you were about to make out with Bitty just now. You can thank me later for saving you.”

“I kinda want to hit you right now actually,” Jack responds, tone equally as quite. He glances over at Bitty who’s now casually conversing with Ransom. The moment is broken. If it weren’t for Holster’s comment, Jack might even think he’d hallucinated it.

“Bro, if you wanna mack on Bits in front of all these cameras don’t let me stop you. I was under the impression that this was something you wanted to keep underwraps though.” Holster is sincere, well-intentioned, and logical. Jack tries not to hold his interruption against him. It really would have been a stupid idea. He’s not even sure how Bitty feels about him.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I got lost in the moment. I shouldn’t do that to him anyway he’d be put under fire too.”

“You can always tell him how you feel during our fucking kick ass celebration,” Holster whispers before shouting, “You fucking Stanley Cup Champion!” 

* * *

Bitty is rattled and unsettled, shaken after what he has no choice but to recognize as an almost kiss with Jack on center ice. _Fuck_ , if Holster hadn’t interrupted, Bitty would have been single-handedly responsible for the swift demise of Jack’s career. Bitty is so lost in his thoughts, he hardly registers leaving the arena, loading into the back seat of Shitty’s car with his friends, heading to the club Snowy picked out, and downing three shots. The only thing that brings him out of his thoughts is Tater _loudly_ declaring his intent to help Jack hook up tonight.

“Okay who going to suck Zimboni’s dick? Zimboni needs his dick sucked tonight and someone has do it. If no one suck Zimboni’s dick, then I suck Zimboni’s dick, but I no want suck Zimboni’s dick!”

“ _Crisse_ , Tater, I don’t want you sucking my dick either,” Jack grumbles.

The more the guys talk about Jack getting his dick sucked by a random puck bunny the further down the bar Bitty slides, shifting away from the group. Jack can take a hint. Bitty clearly isn’t comfortable with the line of conversation; he isn't into Jack. 

Bitty desperately need’s space. He orders two more shots from the bartender, knocks them back, throws a glance over his shoulder at his friends—who still determinedly yell about finding Jack a puck bunny—and recklessly searches for _any_ distraction in the crowd. He locks eyes with a guy on the other side of the club who raises his drink to Bitty, and beckons for him with a nod. He spares one last look at Jack, who has his head thrown back, no doubt laughing at something Tater said, before walking away from the bar.

* * *

Bitty disappears shortly after they arrive at the club, but Jack finds himself reassured when he spots him talking to Shitty about thirty minutes after their arrival. Shitty grins at Bitty before handing him something, and Bitty blends back into the crowd on the dance floor. Of course, Bitty would make a beeline for the dance floor. It makes sense to Jack that that’s where Bitty’s been since they got there.

An hour later, they are about to move the party to Jack’s apartment, but no one can find Bitty. On a whim, Jack checks the bathroom, thinking maybe Bitty needed to pee or puke. 

“Bittle, are you in here?” Jack calls when he doesn’t see Bitty at the urinals.

In quick succession there’s a cough, a grunt, and a hand slapping against the far handicap stall, before it swings open and a red-faced Bitty walks out. Bitty attempts to inconspicuously zip his pants closed and throw away a condom as an unfamiliar man rises from his knees, leaves the same stall as Bitty, and swiftly brushes past Jack to flee the bathroom.

Jack, catching himself staring open-mouthed and stunned at Bitty, carefully clears his throat and grunts, “Euh, we’re leaving. We’ll be out front.” Bitty quietly nods as he washes his hands. Jack can’t get out of the bathroom fast enough.

“I don’t suppose you found me a puck bunny anyway,” Jack miserably half jokes when he greets Tater outside the club right after.

Tater grins and slaps his hand down on Jack’s shoulder.

* * *

Holster furiously pulls Jack aside after Melissa or Marissa or Madison enters Jack’s apartment—Jack waves her off—and Holster says, “Dude, what _the fuck_ gives? I thought you were gonna tell Bitty how you feel.”

“Yeah, well that doesn’t matter anymore. He doesn’t like me back, Holster. He was hooking up with some dude in the bathroom when I found him.”

“Oh, shit.” Holster furrows his brow and looks over to where Bitty is chatting with Lardo. “I thought he liked you,” he whispers.

“Guess not,” Jack bitterly replies.

Bitty locks eyes with Jack as Jack guides whatever her name is back to his room.

She wastes no time undressing herself and Jack. 

Jack lies back as she trails kisses down his neck and chest. She undoes his pants and moves to reach a hand down into Jack’s boxers when Jack swiftly shoots his hand down between them and stops her.

“Fuck,” Jack exhales. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” He picks her clothes up and tosses them on the bed for her before turning away and redressing himself. Jack clears his throat and says over his shoulder, “Euh, you know where the door is?”

She huffs and leaves with a quiet “fuck you.”

Jack relocks his door and shuts off his light before quietly walking onto his balcony. He needs to clear his head. 

* * *

After Jack disappears into his room with that puck bunny, Bitty practically chugs a cup of Shitty’s quick brew tub juice and desperately wishes he wasn’t friends with all of these people so he could fuck one of them and forget his woes. 

Lardo starts up a beer pong tournament and the night begins to blur from there.

Bitty is sweaty and drunk and hot and hoping for a reprieve from his obscenely enthusiastic friends when he opens the living room door to Jack’s balcony and finds him sitting out there alone.

“Oh, Jack, I didn’t know you were- sorry I’ll,” he jerks his thumb behind him.

“You can stay out here if you want.”

Bitty hesitates for a moment, unsure of what to do before he shuts the sliding door and joins Jack in the other chair.

“So, Tater must be pretty pleased with himself,” Bitty states.

“Why?”

“Because he found you someone to suck your dick?”

Jack snorts, “She didn’t suck my dick.”

“Oh, so you just fucked her?” Bitty tries not to let his bitterness seep into his voice, but he isn’t sure he’s successful at it.

Jack clenches his jaw as he looks out across the Providence River. 

“You know, Tater was right?” Bitty is struck suddenly with the urge to do something insane. If this night has proven anything to Bitty, it’s that Jack cannot be anything but outwardly straight. This doesn’t mean Bitty can’t still have a measure, no matter how small, of what he most desperately wants.

“About what?”

“About you needing to get your dick sucked,” Bitty casually throws out.

Jack sucks in a sharp breath and shoots a glance at Bitty.

“You deserve a reward for all the hard work you put in during that game. The whole series, actually,” Bitty says. He knows he’s risking everything for a play that has the potential to blow up in his face and destroy everything, but after the night he’s had, Bitty can’t bring himself to stop. He’s going to get what he wants—even if it’s only for one night—or fuck everything up trying.

“Are you offering?” Jack’s voice is low and a little scratchy as he releases a hesitant laugh, like he isn’t sure if Bitty is joking or not. 

Bitty stands and walks over to Jack, leans down and places his hands on Jack’s knees, then crouches. Jack’s breath hitches.

Jack throws a quick look behind him to make sure his curtains inside are closed. No one can see Jack and Bitty. He looks back down at Bitty. He can barely see him in the light of the night sky and the city of Providence, but he’s biting his bottom lip and Jack wants that lip in his mouth. He covers Bitty’s hands with his own and captures Bitty’s mouth with his. Bitty sighs into Jack, and Jack’s tongue strokes his lower lip. Bitty whimpers slightly and pulls himself back. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom.

“Why do you have condoms?” Jack asks. He’s surprised to see Bitty so prepared for something he never anticipated.

“I asked Shitty for a condom at the club and he gave me five. Here, hold it for me.”

Jack takes the condom from Bitty and Bitty’s hands go to Jack’s belt. He pulls Jack out of his pants and Jack hisses as the cool air, intermingled with Bitty’s hot breath, hits his dick. “This okay?” Bitty asks as he takes the condom from Jack’s weak fingers.

“Yeah,” Jack grunts.

Bitty slides the condom on and Jack groans and cants his hips up into Bitty’s hands.

Bitty sets a punishingly slow pace on Jack’s dick once he gets his mouth around him. Jack’s hands are fisted at his sides, and after a few minutes Bitty pulls himself off Jack and says, “You don’t have to sit there like a statue, you know? You can use your hands if you want.” Jack melts and slides his left hand into Bitty’s hair and twines his right hand with Bitty’s left.

“Come ‘ere,” he grunts and pulls Bitty’s head up so that he can lavish his mouth with another desperate kiss. Jack pours all his needs and wants into that kiss. They’re both panting when they separate. 

Bitty’s mouth finds Jack’s dick once again, but this time he’s got a plan. Jack finishes faster than he’d like to admit after that.

Bitty pulls off, shoots a smile at Jack, and stands to adjust himself. Jack falls to his knees to blow Bitty. 

Bitty places a finger under Jack’s chin and lifts his face up. “Lord, stand up,” he says through a smile. 

“I want you,” Jack moans.

“Not today,” Bitty says. He leans down and leaves a soft peck on Jack’s forehead and then heads back inside. 

A blissed out smile works its way onto Jack’s face and a bubble of warmth works its way up Jack’s chest. He couldn’t be more pleased with the unexpected turn his night took. He’s gonna ask Bitty out tomorrow. Long distance will be hard while he’s back in Georgia, but Jack can visit, and Bitty can come up early again. Jack’s a Stanley Cup Champion and he’s never been happier in his life.

* * *

Bitty holds his head high as he re-enters Jack’s apartment. He does his best not to draw too much attention to himself. He feels tears start to prick his eyes and he rushes to the bathroom as casually, but quickly, as he can. In his hurry, he nearly bowls Lardo over as she exits the bathroom.

“Woah, you alright there, Bits?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Bitty gasps. “Just need the toilet. I don’t feel well, Lards. I’m probably gonna head to bed.”

Lardo’s brow furrows in concern but she nods nonetheless. “I’ll let everyone know you partied too hard.” 

* * *

Bitty resolutely does not talk about the blow job the next day. He leaves with the rest of SMH after they clean up. He refuses to look Jack in the eye when he says goodbye. The following day, Bitty is on a plane to Georgia. Jack is a Stanley Cup Champion and he’s never been more miserable in his life.

* * *

**Bitty**

**Wed, Jun 8, 2:38 PM**

Hey, I didn't really get the chance to say goodbye to you this morning.

**3:02 PM**

Let me know when you get home?

**7:28 PM**

I’m home.

* * *

**Bitty Wed, Jun 8, 7:29 PM**

**X** Call failed

* * *

**Bitty**

**Thu, Jun 9, 12:20 PM**

Lord sorry I missed your call Jack! I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

That’s okay, is now a good time to talk?

**Fri, Jun 10, 12:45 AM**

Goodnight, Bittle.

**11:25 AM**

Any breakfast suggestions?

Sorry, I’m out with my mom. Can’t respond right now.

**Sat, Jun 11, 10:15 AM**

I’m at the farmer’s market with George.

**10:50 AM**

They have jam.

Don’t even think about it.

What are you doing?

* * *

**Bitty Sun, Jun 12, 8:50 AM**

**X** Call failed

**Bitty Mon, Jun 13, 5:11 PM**

**X** Call failed

**Bitty Wed, Jun 15, 7:58 PM**

**X** Call failed

**Bitty Sat, Jun 18, 12:13 PM**

**X** Call failed

**Bitty Fri, Jun 24, 6:04 AM**

**X** Call failed

**Bitty Sun, Jul 2, 9:25 AM**

**X** Call failed

* * *

On the fourth week of Bitty’s avoidance, Jack notices he’s on Skype at the same time as him. Jack calls before Bitty can log off or hide himself. Bitty answers. 

“You’ve been avoiding me Bittle.” 

“That’s not true!” Bitty protests.

Jack simply raises an eyebrow at that statement and stares at Bitty.

“I have been very busy Jack! I’ll have you know, Mama and I have been preparing for the county fair, thank you very much. We’ve had to perfect three new pie recipes.” 

“And you’ve never multitasked while baking before, so of course you can’t Skype your best friend,” Jack sarcastically retorts.

Bitty winces at that. “Alright, I’m sorry.”

“Bits, if this is about—”

“We were both drunk!” Bitty quickly interjects. “And obviously it was enjoyable, but it never has to happen again.” Bitty’s smile looks more like a grimace. 

“Right,” Jack says and shares his own half-smile half-grimace. He absolutely was not drunk, but if Bitty needs to think he was to get past this, then Jack will let him. “Does that mean you’re done avoiding me? Cuz I've missed you, Bits. I can only handle so much of Shitty, you know?”

Bitty huffs and looks away from the laptop camera, “Lord, Jack. _Yes_ , I’m done. I’m sorry.”

“Good. So I’ve been thinking about doing my cup day at Samwell. What do you think? Obviously, I’d need the captain’s approval,” Jack chirps and a smirk slowly works his way onto his face.

“Lord, I am the captain, aren’t I?” Bitty says in awe, a smile of his own creeping onto this face.

“Have you been eating lots of protein?”

“Chirp chirp, Mr. Zimmermann. Yes, lots of protein shakes and weight lifting and squats. You should see my ass! Ransom says the Better Bitty Booty Bureau did its work.”

Jack bites his bottom lip and says, “Is that so?”

Bitty licks his lips, shrugs, and says, “I can’t really see the difference.”

“Turn around. Let me see?” Jack’s eyes are dark, his pupils blown wide. 

Bitty sucks in a soft breath at the sight of Jack leaning into his laptop, lip caught between his teeth, and eyes wild with heat and desire. Jack _wants_ him. Even if he doesn’t want a relationship with him, he very clearly wants Bitty. He looks like he did that night on the porch kneeling before Bitty practically begging to return the favor and blow Bitty. Bitty licks his lips again, stands up, and turns around. 

He’s wearing those red shorts, the tiny ones that made his ass look good before the Better Bitty Booty Bureau ever began, the ones that in part first made Jack aware of his attraction to Bitty. His thighs are thick and the swell of his cheeks peek out from the hem of his shorts. “Yeah,” Jack rasps, “Ransom’s right.”

Bitty peeks back at Jack over his shoulder and Jack digs his fingers into his thighs. He cannot let himself get turned on right now. Jack has to change the topic if he doesn’t want to sport a boner for the rest of their conversation. “So, I was thinking of my birthday for Cup Day. What do you think, Captain?”

Bitty returns to his seat at his computer and agrees with Jack that a combination Cup Day/birthday party sounds fun. 

“You could also come up early and spend a few days in Providence if you want. My oven misses you.”

“I thought you missed me.”

“My oven misses you too. She says, ‘Bitty, come bake a pie in me! All Jack ever does is use the stove! The last thing he baked in me was chicken tenders!’”

“Oh, Lord, and they were frozen weren’t they?”

“Of course, Bittle, who do you think I am?”

“Do I need to teach you how to make chicken tenders?”

“It can be the first thing you do when you visit me.”

Bitty sighs and tries to hide a smile, “Alright, I suppose I can make it up there a day early.”

* * *

The sexual tension roils off Jack and Bitty during the entire day they spend alone together in Providence. Bitty is immensely grateful for the insight his past self had in limiting his alone time with Jack. he doesn’t think he could survive any longer than the one day with him. 

The sexual tension hits its climax and boils over at 11:23 pm in Bitty’s room of the Haus, during Jack’s party. Bitty wears his red shorts knowing full well what reaction the shorts elicit from Jack. They’re a strategic decision born from horniness and unresolved sexual tension. 

Despite the hurt he’s causing himself, he can’t bring himself to regret his decision. Not when Jack kneads both Bitty’s ass cheeks with his huge hands, not when Jack pulls Bitty into his space and grinds their stiff cocks together, not when they pant desperate kisses into each other’s mouths, not when Jack sucks on Bitty’s ear and moans, “Please let me suck you off,” not when Jack kisses his way down Bitty’s throat and chest after Bitty assents to Jack’s plea and Jack divests Bitty of his shirt, not when Jack slowly peels Bitty’s tiny red shorts off and sucks a hickey just above his hip bone while he teases Bitty’s dick with his hands, not when Jack locks his desperate wolf eyes with Bitty’s as he rolls a condom onto Bitty’s dick, not when Jack licks his lips and presses a gentle kiss onto the head of Bitty’s dick, and not when Jack finally, _finally_ wraps his hot mouth around Bitty and sucks him down. 

After Bitty comes, he pulls Jack up and makes out with him while he jerks him off. Jack falls back onto Bitty’s bed and lies there come dumb and blissed out while Bitty gets dressed. Bitty presses his key into Jack’s chest and says, “Will you lock up when you’re done in here?” before swiftly leaving. 

Jack is so taken aback by Bitty’s 180 that he feels cold. His vision blurs; he’s crying. Oh, Bitty will never want what Jack wants. Jack is in love with Bitty, and Bitty will never love him back. _That’s_ why he put distance between himself and Jack after that first blow job. It’s not that he was worried things would be awkward, it’s that he didn’t want Jack to get the wrong impression. Jack understands now. They’re strictly casual. There’s no hope of turning it into something more. Jack was going to ask Bitty out before he fled, ask him to be his boyfriend, make plans to come out to the world. He won’t do that, now that he knows Bitty doesn’t want that from him. Jack returns to his combination Cup Day/birthday party, slips Bitty’s room key back to him, and pretends like nothing is wrong. 

* * *

Bitty has to repeatedly remind himself that Jack has no plans of ever dating any boys, and he has no plans of ever coming out. Bitty needs to take what he can get and move on. After crying in the bathroom, he composes himself and rejoins the party. Jack slips his key back to him during a game of beer pong against Nursey and Chowder. He looks relaxed and happy, and Bitty’s heart fractures that much more to know that Jack isn’t bothered at all.

Bitty knows the man he’s in love with isn’t in love with him, or if he does have any feelings for Bitty, he has no plans of following through with those feelings because of his occupation. Jack made that abundantly clear out in the reading room two years ago.


	5. Chapter 5

_ The Samwell Swallow Vol. 30 Fall Edition 1 _

**Resident Baking Addicted Twink Becomes First Out Men’s Hockey Captain**

It’s no secret that Samwell is the gayest of the gay schools; however, despite it’s reputation (“1 in 4 sometimes more!”), the men’s hockey team has persistently remained a bastion of heterosexuality (surpassed only by the men’s lacrosse team). However long overdue for Samwell [eyes my roommate’s collection of hockey RPF centering around a certain former Wellie and another professional hockey player], Eric Bittle, class of ‘17, jersey #15, has made history as the first openly gay captain of Samwell Men’s Hockey.

Now, dear reader, you may be asking, “ _ Swallow _ , why does this matter? I don’t care about the hockey team, and a gay captain isn’t unusual. My captain is gay, my roommate is gay, my best friend is gay, my professor is gay,  _ I’m gay! _ ” And to this I say, Eric Bittle’s unanimous election to the position of captain isn’t just historic for Samwell, it’s historic for the entirety of collegiate level hockey. Bittle is the first openly gay captain of a Division I NCAA hockey team (try saying  _ that _ ten times fast). It doesn’t hurt that he’s the physical embodiment of all of your gay wet dreams!

**[Continued on page 14]**

* * *

_ Out Sports September Edition _

**Inclusivity in NCAA Hockey:**

**How its Effects Could Ripple Beyond the Bubble of Academia**

Something quietly spectacular happened at the end of the 2015-2016 hockey season, and it wasn’t a first in franchise Cup win led by a rookie. No, this happened just up the road from Providence; at Jack Zimmermann’s (Falconers, #1) alma mater, Samwell University, no less. Only twice in the history of Samwell Men’s Hockey has a captain been unanimously elected. The first occurred in the spring of 2014, when the man himself, Jack Zimmermann, was elected captain for the third year in a row by a unanimous vote. This isn’t particularly surprising given Zimmerman’s skill on the ice and his reserved, but confident, leadership abilities. The second was this past spring when Eric Bittle, a senior at Samwell and Zimmermann’s former teammate from the 2013-14 and 2014-15 seasons,  _ an openly gay man _ , was unanimously elected captain by his teammates.

I recently had the good fortune to sit down with Bittle as he gears up for his final year at Samwell and last season with Samwell Men’s Hockey. On first glance Bittle strikes you as the antithesis of your typical hockey player. No taller than 5’7”, blond, lean, and better dressed than your average college athlete, Eric Bittle walks through the door of the quaint local coffee shop he’d directed me to with a pie in hand. When I question the pie, he insists that his southern sensibilities would never allow him to meet someone new without first trying to feed them, and informs me that the pie is mine to take home. Without exaggeration, it was quite literally the best pie I ever had in my life, and my husband now wants us to hire Bittle as our personal chef when he graduates, but I digress. 

**Out Sports: I know it can’t have been easy to reach this point. Could you describe your journey towards becoming the first out captain?**

Eric Bittle: Lord, but isn’t that an understatement. I’ve… spoken about this a bit with some friends, but even still I don’t think I’ve ever sat there and just, you know, laid it all out chronologically. “Here’s the tragic backstory of Bitty and how he came to Samwell!”

**OS: Footnotes are fine.**

EB: Well, I’m Georgia born and bred. I’m sure you can imagine what it’s like growing up queer in the Deep South. My dad’s a high school football coach. He uh, wanted me to play football, but football didn’t really agree with me.

**OS: You didn’t like football?**

EB: I’ve always been a small kid. I stood out. I was…  _ informed _ that I didn’t fit in very well early on in life. So I begged my mother not to force me to play another game of pee wee football. Then I begged her to let me figure skate.

**OS: How long did you figure skate?**

EB: About 7 years, I think, until I had to quit. I was damn good too. You’re looking at the Southern Junior Regional Champion! We didn’t have the money for me to go to Junior Nationals or continue skating after that season, but there was a coed hockey league in my area. I was desperate to stay on the ice. 

**OS: So when did you actually start playing hockey?**

EB: When I was 15. In a coed no-checking league no less. Lord, did that piss Jack off! 

**OS: Jack Zimmermann? Why would that upset him?**

EB: When I first met Jack he had a chip on his shoulder the size of Jupiter and a stick up his backside to boot. I was  _ not _ his favorite teammate. I think he thought that I didn’t take hockey seriously, and at that point in time hockey was the  _ only  _ thing that mattered to Jack. To be fair, I didn’t much like him then either. Seemed like all he’d ever do was yell at me. 

**OS: But you’re friends now? He even recently had his Cup Day at Samwell didn’t he? What changed?**

EB: Yeah, we’re friends now. He’s one of my best friends. I don’t know what I would do without him. He realized that I had a mental block that was preventing me from playing hockey to my fullest potential; he helped me work through that and we came to a better understanding of each other.

**OS: You’ve spent a bit of time with the Falconers through your friendship with Jack, correct?**

EB: Yes.

**OS: I know it’s different, but can you give your perspective, as a close outsider, of the environment within the realm of professional hockey?**

EB: How inclusive it is?

**OS: Essentially, yes.**

EB: Well, Georgia Martin, the Falcs’ AGM, is openly bisexual and tearing through glass ceilings everywhere she goes. I don’t think she would ever allow her franchise to foster a toxic environment. Every member of the Falconers staff and team that I’ve ever met has never been anything but lovely to me. But this is just one franchise within an entire league sustained by homophobic dudebros whose sensibilities are so fragile they can’t even drink a margarita without an excuse.

I’ve been incredibly fortunate to find myself on a team like Samwell. My friends, my teammates, have always been there supporting me through every step of my coming out. Hell, Jack was even right there next to me when I came out to my mom. I really needed that kick in the pants from him to finally make that phone call. 

**OS: How do you anticipate this season going now that you’re so publicly out?**

EB: Lord, I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about that. I know that whatever happens my team will have my back. I trust those boys with my life. 

**OS: Do you have anything to say to any readers out there who may be LGBT+ athletes themselves?**

EB: If you’re closeted, don’t feel the need to rush into any decisions regarding your coming out. That’s a personal journey the length of which varies from person to person. There’s no right way to be queer. There’s no right way to come out. It is entirely up to you when, and if, you come out. All that matters is that you are comfortable in your own skin. 

Know that you aren’t alone. There are other queer athletes just like you, some in the closet, some not. Know that, even if you can’t show all of yourself to the people in your life now, that you can find people who that will be possible with. Know that you and your mental well-being should take precedence over everything else. Take care of yourself. Come out only when it’s the right time for  _ you _ to come out. 

**OS: You’re in a very unique position, Eric. As a friend to one of the NHLs brightest stars, your story is gaining more traction than it likely would if you’d been on any other team. I think it’s safe to say, however your season goes, you’re taking a huge first step in the world of hockey. We can only hope that it won’t be long before we’re able to celebrate more queer athletes.**

* * *

_ “Samwell Hockey is back in the news, Ron. Did you hear about this?” _

_ “Never thought I’d hear about Samwell University again after Zimmermann’s departure. No, Jimmy, I haven’t heard. What’s the news?” _

_ “Their captain, an… Eric Bittle, is the first gay captain of a Division I NCAA men’s hockey team.” _

_ “Really? Well, that can’t be an easy locker room to navigate.” _

_ “In what way, Ron?” _

_ “Well, you and I have both been in locker rooms. You know what guy talk is like. I’m sure it has to be a bit… awkward at times navigating locker room talk with a gay-”  _

Jack shuts off the TV with a frustrated huff.

* * *

It’s meant to be a casual pre-season press conference, but the topic inevitably veers. 

“Jack, your former Samwell teammate, Eric Bittle, recently came out-”

“Bitty’s been out since he was 18,” Jack casually cuts in.

“Right, I only meant-”

“He’s the first out captain, yeah.” If Jack’s short of patience at the moment, sue him. He’s heard enough crap from the media about Bitty. He doesn’t need to hear any more.

“Exactly, I was wonder if you could explain for us what it was like to share a lock-”

“ _ Crisse _ , if you finish that sentence…” Jack trails off, closes his eyes, and exhales a calming breath. “It’s a locker room. You’re in one right now. Is there anything sexy about this setting? It smells like Tater’s feet and ass in here. One of my teammates at Samwell left a crusty jockstrap in the showers and never bothered to pick it up. Another had a space on the carpeted floor near his locker that he designated his ‘loogie spot’. There was only one guy on the team who would unabashedly walk around without a towel clutched around his waist at all times, and  _ no one _ wanted to see his junk. Nobody in that locker room was checking anybody out or worrying about being checked out.” 

* * *

**Haus 1.0 &co.**

**Holster**

Have you guys seen these tweets? 😂

Get you a man who will call out the inherent unsexiness of locker rooms to defend his friend. #WokeBae #JackZimmermann

Oh Zimmermann has Had It with the snide comments about Eric Bittle. We stan an ally #JackZimmermann

Excuse me, I’m just crying about my favorite hockey player jumping to the defense of his best friend. When has your fave ever??? WE LOVE A MAN WHO DOESN’T DO PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP! #JackZimmermann

I- I literally have never seen #JackZimmermann say so many words before… and all in defense of his friend… MY HEART!

**Chowder**

I don’t get it 😅 what’s so funny?

**Lardo**

🤦‍♀️ Holster you fucking dumbass.

* * *

**Holster**

Oh shit. Do the frogs not know?

Sorry, man!

I don’t think they’ll put it together

* * *

“Oh, wow, I didn’t think it would be  _ this _ big,” Dex says in awe as he looks out at the audience during Samwell’s first game of the season.

“What is it, Dex,” Bitty asks as he exits the tunnel behind him.

Dex grabs Bitty around the shoulder, spins him around, and directs Bitty’s head up to the audience. Every last wellie is bedecked in rainbows. Some hold flags, some hold signs, some wear face paint, and everyone shouts deafeningly loud when they see Bitty. 

Bitty gasps and slips out from Dex’s grip. Never in his wildest dreams did he think he’d be met with this level of support anywhere. Bitty’s not stupid, he knows his away games are not gonna be a cakewalk, but the fact that his home community came out to support him like this—Bitty is speechless.

“Oh, do you like it?” Nursey asks as he skates up to Bitty and Dex.

“You-?” Bitty can’t even form the whole sentence he’s so struck with awe.

“No, no! I think it might have been Jack’s idea? I can't really remember, but Rans and Holster helped with their Facebook connections and Ford organized the whole thing with some help from Lardo. Dex, Chowder, and I did a lot of leg work for Ford the last few weeks to help out though.”

“I can’t-” Bitty starts before cutting himself off as tears flood his eyes. “You boys,” he chokes and throws his arms around his friends.

It doesn’t take long for the rest of the team to pile around Bitty after that.

* * *

**Haus 1.0 &co.**

**Chowder**

Operation Rainbow Wellie was a HUGE success!

Bitty cried!

**Nursey**

And Operation: Get Bitty Laid After Every Game is successfully underway (still workshopping the name)

He’s currently making out with a very cute soccer player right now!

**Holster**

Operation: Puck Bitty?

**Shitty**

Nah, that sounds like you’re turning Bits into a puck bunny not finding one for him. OH!

Operation: Steinem!

Cuz, Gloria, get it?

**Dex**

No.

**Shitty**

She was a playboy bunny…

**Dex**

You like playboy?? I thought you’d have some sort of issue with it objectifying women or something.

**Shitty**

...I

**Chowder**

Bitty is on the move! He’s taking soccer guy upstairs right now!!

**Rans**

GET IT BITS!!!

**Bitty**

Wish y’all would keep y’all’s noses out of my business. There is no operation anything!

**Nursey**

Okay, tell that to the guy I set you up with 😉 yw

* * *

Jack throws his phone onto the coffee table and chokes down the miserable lump in his throat. He doesn’t know why he’s so blindsided by Bitty wheeling guys. Bitty is hot and single and, as evidenced by his flings with Jack, clearly has no qualms against one-night stands. If anything, this scenario is one that Jack should have already been well prepared for. 

It’s stupid. It’s incredibly stupid and childish, but Jack picks his phone back up and hits the call button next to Bitty’s contact.

“Lord, I swear if you boys bother me one more time, not a single one of you-” Bitty furiously hisses on the other end of the line until Jack cuts him off.

“Let me know which of us is a better lay?” The question comes out of Jack as a throaty rumble as he stifles the urge to beg Bitty to ditch his hookup.

Bitty gasps but says nothing for a few moments before finally responding, “Lord, why?”

“Call it professional curiosity.” 

“You takin’ a survey? Can’t you ask all your other puck-”

Jack cuts Bitty off again. This time with a low laugh. “How many puck bunny’s do you think I have?”

“Lord, you could probably have all of New England at your beck and call.” 

Jack hums and but otherwise ignores the comment and brings the topic back to Bitty. “What are you and Soccer Dude doing?”

“He’s lookin’ at me like I’m insane for still being on the phone with you when he’s got his hand down my boxers.”

There’s a muffled voice on Bitty’s end followed by a stern, “No,” from Bitty.

“What’s that?” Jack asks.

“He wants me to put you on speaker.”

“Oh, yeah, I’d rather not-”

“I know,” Bitty gently cuts in.

There’s a quiet lull in the conversation where all Jack can hear is the soft rustle of Bitty’s bed sheets and the small huffs of Bitty’s breath. “I wish I could see you,” Jack confesses with a whisper.

“Fuck,” Bitty groans. Suddenly the rustling on Bitty’s end grows in volume and Bitty quietly says, “You need to go.”

“Oh, shit, I- sorry, Bittle-”

“No!” Bitty’s voice is tinged with a slight panic. “Not you,” he says much softer.

“Euh,” Jack is confused and his heart pounds furiously in his chest. But the rustling on Bitty’s end continues, and Jack sits quietly and waits for Bitty to either hang up on him or clarify what he meant. Jack thinks he hears the thud of Bitty’s bedroom door.

“Jack?” Bitty whispers.

“Yes?”

Bitty takes in a few shaky inhales before saying, “Skype?”

“What happened to Soccer Dude?” Jack asks before he can stop himself.

“I guess now we know whose hands I’d rather have on my dick.”

When the Skype call connects, Jack is greeted with the sight of a fully naked Eric Bittle basking in the glow of his string lights as he slowly strokes himself. 

“ _ Tabarnak _ ,” Jack groans.

“That was fun,” Bitty says with a chipper smile before the come on Jack’s stomach has even cooled. “Talk later?”

Jack slurs out a confused, “Euh?” and nods slightly at Bitty. Before Jack even knows what’s happening, Bitty ends the Skype call. 

* * *

**Bitty**

You know you still have the spare key to my apartment?

Sorry! Do you want it back?

No.

* * *

Despite the permission, the practical invitation, for Bitty to come over to Jack’s apartment any time he pleases, their schedules keep them apart. Although Jack briefly suspects that Bitty may not want to see him in person when, during the one free weekend in early November when their schedules line up, Bitty claims he can’t visit because he has too much homework. Excuse or not, Jack still finds himself texting Bitty, “Skype?” whenever one of the frogs begin sharing deets about how much interest one of Bitty’s many post-game puck bunnies show him.

Bitty’s response is always the same: “Yes.”

* * *

Jack, Ransom, Holster, Lardo, and Shitty gather at the Haus for Hausgiving. Jack makes eyes at Bitty the whole time but Bitty flits around and busies himself so much he barely looks back at him. Bitty promptly disappears to his room when Jack volunteers to clean up the kitchen after dinner. 

With the last dish put away Jack stands back to examine the abandoned kitchen. It’s getting late and Jack should go home; he has a game the next day. Boisterous laughter drifts into the kitchen from the living room. Jack had hoped, perhaps naively, that he’d be able to spend time with Bitty like he used to, that they could just talk and exist in the same space without all the tension hanging over them. The guys and Lardo play Mario Kart in the living room, and Jack heads upstairs to say goodbye to Bitty. 

He tentatively knocks on Bitty’s door and calls, “Bitty?”

“It’s open.”

Jack walks in. Bitty is sitting at his desk typing something on his laptop. 

“Working on that thesis, eh?”

Bitty snorts out a laugh. “It’s a recipe.”

“Ah, that makes more sense,” Jack chirps. 

“Did you come up here just to chirp me, Mr. Zimmermann, or did you have another reason to see me?” Bitty’s eyes flick down from Jack’s face to his crotch and back. 

“Euh… I…”

“If you want me that bad all you gotta do is ask, honey.” Bitty smirks at Jack and quirks an eyebrow.

Jack feels like his breath has been punched out of him. “I…” he rasps, trying again to say “I’m heading out,” but failing. 

“On the bed,” Bitty commands.

Jack obeys.

It’s almost hilarious how willing Jack is to follow Bitty’s directions. He has never been like this with any of his other sexual partners. Yet there’s something about Bitty that rends Jack’s shell away until all that’s left of him is soft and pliable and desperate for this small, beautiful man to have his way with him. Jack would do anything Bitty asked of him. More than anything, Jack wants Bitty to tell Jack to date him, to come out for him, to expose himself to the world so that they could be together. But Bitty won’t, and Jack is desperate; so he takes what he can get. Jack is stripped of his clothes and lying on Bitty’s bed, cock already hard and precome starting to gather at the head.

Bitty huffs a laugh at him from his door and turns the lock. “Eager much?” he chirps. 

Jack can only groan and fist his hands into Bitty’s sheets in response. 

Bitty opens and closes his bedside drawer, but before Jack can turn to see what Bitty grabbed, Bitty leans down and captures Jack’s left nipple in his mouth. 

Jack involuntarily releases a deep guttural groan that Bitty quietly laughs at. 

“If you can’t keep your mouth shut I’m gonna need you to bite my pillow, Mr. Zimmermann. The boys are all still downstairs, you know?” 

He’s smirking at Jack, and Jack can’t help himself; he traces his fingers over Bitty’s bottom lip until Bitty’s smirk grows slightly before he opens his mouth and takes Jack’s fingers in. Jack’s responding groan is a little quieter this time, but Bitty pauses and raises an eyebrow at Jack. Jack sheepishly reaches under his head with his free hand to grab Bitty’s pillow and holds a corner of it between his teeth. 

The pillow doesn’t actually do much to stifle Jack’s sounds as Bitty fellates his fingers, but Jack finds it incredibly hot that Bitty has him so desperate he needs to be gagged somehow. Even if the gag is ineffective.

Bitty pulls himself off of Jack’s fingers and instead latches his mouth onto Jack’s right inner thigh. One of Bitty’s hands grips Jack’s leg, and the other gently teases Jack’s cock. 

Jack yanks the pillow out of his mouth and gasps, “Fuck, Bits, please.”

“Please what?” Bitty asks, massaging the hickey he’d just sucked onto Jack’s thigh.

_ “Fuck,” _ Jack exhales.

“You want me to fuck you?” Bitty asks a finger trailing down to trace Jack’s asshole.

“Yes, fuck, please,” Jack pleads as he cants his hips searching for friction. He feels like an electric shock just coursed through his body. 

Bitty leans back and smirks down at Jack from between Jack’s spread legs. He’s gorgeous and disheveled, but still fully clothed, while Jack is naked and flushed and his cock is twitching to be touched. “I’ll fuck you with my fingers, since you asked so nicely.” He grabs a bottle of lube and a condom from his night stand, and Jack realizes that must have been what he took out of his drawer. “The condom is for when I blow you,” Bitty clarifies, “but for now, I’m gonna get back to this hickey while I work you open with my fingers. That alright with you, honey?”

Jack whimpers, mouth back around Bitty’s pillow, and nods his head in assent. 

Bitty latches his mouth back onto Jack’s right thigh and before long Jack feels a slick finger circling his asshole. He pulls his left knee up to his chest and holds it tightly in place so that Bitty can have an easier time working him open. He feels filthy and debauched and he loves it. Jack loves being desperate and holding himself open for Bitty.

Jack groans as Bitty slips his finger in fully and begins to pump it in and out of his tight hole. Bitty’s tongue is swiping quickly against Jack’s thigh in time with his finger as he continues to suck what will undoubtedly become the largest hickey Jack has ever received. 

Before long Bitty has a second finger in Jack and Jack can feel him searching for Jack’s prostate. Jack groans and twitches and pushes down onto Bitty’s fingers when Bitty finally succeeds in finding it. 

“Jack, honey, I’ve got lube all over my fingers, will you put this condom on for me?” Bitty asks as he continues to finger Jack into bliss.

Jack nods around the pillow and reaches a shaky hand out for the condom, which Bitty passes to him with his free hand. It’s a struggle for Jack to get the condom open and he wonders if maybe Bitty just wanted to watch him fumble while he fucks him, but Jack eventually manages it. 

As soon as Jack’s dick is fully covered, Bitty’s mouth is on him. Jack’s hands fly back to the pillow to grip it in his fists as Jack struggles to maintain control and not thrust into Bitty’s mouth and choke him. It only takes a few licks, strokes, and sucks before Jack is coming in Bitty’s mouth and on Bitty’s fingers. 

When Jack regains his thoughts he notices that practically an eighth of Bitty’s pillow is soaked in his saliva. He feels guilty about it on some level, but Bitty’s erection is visible through his pants and Jack wants him. “Fuck my mouth,” Jack says. 

“Okay,” Bitty gasps. 

Jack throws Bitty’s already abused pillow onto the floor and kneels on it while Bitty grabs a condom for himself. When he turns around from his nightstand to face Jack, Bitty’s jeans are unbuttoned and his dick hangs over the waistband of his boxers, but he’s otherwise still fully clothed. Jack licks his lips at the sight and lets his mouth hang open for Bitty.

Bitty tentatively presses the head of his dick against Jack’s mouth and Jack sucks on the head. Bitty groans in response. 

“What if I hurt you?” Bitty asks.

“You won’t,” Jack says.

“What if you need to stop?” Bitty runs his thumb over Jack’s lips and Jack kisses it. Bitty pulls his hand away and instead grips Jack’s hair tightly.

“I’ll tap your thigh twice,” Jack says tapping Bitty’s thigh as an example. He opens his mouth up once more, and suddenly Jack has a mouth full of Bitty. 

Bitty fucks Jack’s mouth raw, quick, and dirty. He yanks at Jack’s hair to give himself the best angles and hits the back of Jack’s throat on each thrust. Jack feels tears prick at his eyes but he blinks them away and continues to let Bitty have his way with him.

It isn’t long before Bitty is quietly chanting Jack’s name as he comes so deep down Jack’s throat Jack can pretend there isn’t a condom in the way and he’s got a throat full of Bitty.

Bitty turns away from Jack after he finishes and cleans himself off. “I’m, uh, gonna head to the bathroom,” he informs the Beyoncé poster over his desk. He walks around behind Jack and shuts the door softly as he leaves. 

Jack’s throat is rough and raw and he isn’t sure he can speak any more. He gathers his clothes up off Bitty’s floor and dresses quickly. Jack was supposed to head out an hour ago. Instead he had the best sex of his life with a man who practically ran out of the room when it was over. He picks Bitty’s pillow up off the ground and places it at the foot of Bitty’s bed. Bitty will probably want to wash it. 

Jack catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror that hangs inside Bitty’s closet as he’s about to leave. His lips are red and plump and his hair is a mess. Anyone who looks at him for longer than half a second will immediately know what he just got through doing. Jack tries to salvage his hair but gives up once he realizes it’s futile and leaves Bitty’s room for the bathroom down the hall.

“Bitty,” Jack croaks out as he knocks on the bathroom door, “I’m headed out.” There’s no response.

Jack walks downstairs and waves goodbye to his friends instead of saying anything. He knows his voice will immediately give him away. 

His voice sounds rough during the post game interview the next day. He gets a few concerned texts asking if he’s coming down with something. 

* * *

The Skype calls taper off as the semester winds down. Bitty is too busy with his classes and final exams, but they pick up again once he’s home for the break. They start out in their usual manner: Jack and Bitty breathlessly watching each other jerk off, and Bitty quickly ending the call as soon as they’ve both come. But Jack desperately misses just talking to Bitty, as friends; he tells Bitty over text that he wants to bake a pie for his parents' impending visit and asks Bitty if he will guide him through it. 

“Did you forget everything I taught you for Professor Atley’s class already?” Bitty responds. An emoji of a chick follows quickly after.

“Chirp chirp, Bittle,” Jack texts. “Will you help me?” After a moment's thought he adds, “Please.” 

“Yeah, of course,” Bitty replies.

* * *

Jack diligently organizes and re-organizes his ingredients on the counter as he waits for Bitty’s Skype call to come in that same evening. Jack’s nervous. It feels like it’s been forever since he and Bitty just talked casually, without the weight of whatever the fuck they’re doing hanging over their heads. He’s worried he’s forgotten how to even talk to Bitty. Jack nearly knocks over the flour when the bubbly chime of Skype interrupts his musings.

“Bits!” Jack cheerfully greets as he leans in too close to his laptop.

Bitty stands a few feet back from his own computer and casually leans against his kitchen counter. He wears a long-sleeved shirt with the elbows rolled up, his forearms exposed. He stands comfortably in his element.

“You look-” Jack cuts himself off and clears his throat. “How are you?”

Bitty quirks an eyebrow and bites back a smile before responding, “I’m well, Mr. Zimmermann, how are you?”

“Good, yeah, I’m good.” Jack laughs slightly and nervously runs his hand through his hair. 

“You ready to start this tarte au sucre?”

“ _ Tarte au sucre _ ,” Jack corrects before he can stop himself.

Bitty gapes at Jack for a fraction of a second before playfully glaring at him. “You’d better watch yourself, Mr. Zimmermann.”

“Or what?” Jack returns.

“Or I’ll start making fun of  _ your  _ accent,” Bitty threatens genially. He points a warning finger at Jack and attempts to hold back a growing smile.

Jack laughs, “What’s wrong with my accent?”

“You sound like a foreign exchange student.”

“I  _ was  _ a foreign exchange student, Bittle,” Jack reminds him.

“You were born in Pittsburgh, Jack!” Bitty’s smile wins out and he grins at Jack as he shouts at him.

“French is my mother tongue!”

“Your mother is American.”

Jack huffs, leans back from the camera, and says,  _ “You know you like the accent.” _

“Oh, Lord, and now you’re speaking French.”

_ “You took an entire semester of French. Do you really not know anything I’m saying?” _

“Jack!”

_ “Eric!” _

Bitty stands quietly for a moment, baffled to hear his first name from Jack before he cracks up in peals of laughter. “Lord, I didn’t even know you knew my first name.”

Jack smiles gently at Bitty and softly admits, “I missed hearing you laugh.”

“Oh,” Bitty gasps and rears back slightly in surprise. “It has been a while since we’ve just… talked hasn’t it?” guilt imperceptibly flits across his eyes before a warm smile shyly creeps in at the corners of his mouth. “I missed this too.”

* * *

Jack’s parents are suitably impressed by the  _ tarte au sucre _ when they arrive at his apartment the following afternoon. 

_ “Where did this come from?”  _ Bob asks, holding up the now empty pie tin as he and Jack clean up the kitchen together.

_ “Bittle helped me make it last night.” _

_ “Oh? Is he still with that Australian guy?” _

_ “He was British, and no.” _

_ “No?”  _ Bob shoots Jack a significant look. _ “So…”  _ He prompts.

_ “So, nothing.”  _ Jack shrugs and passes a towel to his dad.

_ “Jack,”  _ Bob says exasperatedly.

_ “Papa.” _

_ “You still haven’t told him.” _

_ “I was going to, but…” _ he sighs and stares into the bubbly dishwater,  _ “the timing didn’t seem right. I don’t think he wants to date me anyway.” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “I mean, if he were interested we’d already be dating.” _

_ “I’m not following, Jack.” _

Jack sheepishly admits,  _ “We’ve slept together.” _ He passes Bob a clean pan.

_ “Oh?” _

_ “I don’t really want to talk about it, Papa.” _

_ “Jack, you need to tell him how you feel.” _

_ “I know.”  _ Jack quiets and focuses on the remaining pot in his hands. He passes it to Bob and says,  _ “I’ve been thinking…” _

Bob hums questioningly.

_ “I think I want to come out.” _

_ “To the rest of your team?” _

_ “To the rest of the world.” _

* * *

“I want to come out.” Jack confides in early January as the door to George’s office snaps shut behind him.

“Okay,” George says, “how do you want to do this?” Ever the embodiment of professionalism, George doesn’t even allow herself to be phased by Jack’s abrupt announcement. She fishes a key out of her purse, and with it unlocks a drawer in her desk. 

“What’s in there?” Jack asks.

“You didn’t think I’d be unprepared for this possibility, did you?” George scoffs. She unveils a nondescript manila file and slides it to Jack.

Jack finds a single sheet of paper within the folder. It bears no title, but the contents make the subject obvious to anyone who themselves might be contemplating this very thing.

* * *

  * Formal
    * Interview
      * Public/Video
        * Post-game
        * Local news
        * etc.
      * Private/Video
        * Falcs TV
        * Buzzfeed
        * etc.
      * Private/Written
        * Magazine publications (online or print)
  * Casual*
    * Social Media
      * Photo
      * Statement
    * Public Awareness
      * Fan Speculation
      * Paparazzi
    * Public Event
      * Gala
      * Charity
      * Game



*Will eventually require a formal outlet (see above).

* * *

“I have separate folders with detailed plans for whichever of those you decide on,” George says, indicating with a wave to her still open drawer.

“What’s the point of taking the casual route if I have to make a formal statement anyway?” Jack asks, settling into his seat.

“Well, you could ease yourself and the league into the idea of an openly queer player, depending on the bullet point.”

“If I chose a public event, that would quickly turn into a formal interview.”

“It would.” George nods.

“What does ‘Public Awareness’ mean?” Jack points to the bullet point in question.

“No longer hiding and letting the public connect the dots for themselves. You’d go around Providence with your boyfriend and allow yourself to be seen.”

“Ah,” Jack frowns, “I don’t have a boyfriend though.” 

George hums but says nothing.

“I don’t have a social media presence either, so I don’t think that one is very viable. Did you make this list for me?”

George laughs. “I made that list on my first day working for the Falcs, Jack. I’ve always been optimistic that  _ this _ organization would be the one to achieve this. That we would create an environment where our players feel comfortable enough to be themselves.”

Jack smiles briefly at George before returning his gaze to the page. “I don’t want to come out over video.”

“So, a private interview then?”

Jack winces.

“You don’t want to be interviewed at all.”

“Not really, no. I will if you can find some-”

“No, no,” George interrupts. “This is your party, Jack. Whatever you want, I’ll make it happen.”

They sit in thoughtful silence together for several minutes, each contemplating what the best route is for Jack to come out. 

After a time, George leans back in her chair, and the successive squeak breaks the quiet. “Okay,” she says, “how comfortable are you with writing?”

* * *

“Things have really been clicking on the ice, Jack! It feels amazing! I really think we stand a good shot this year.”

“I know you do.”

Bitty smiles and fixes his gaze off to the side of his laptop. He blushes and mumbles, “You’re just saying that.”

Jack scoffs, “Bittle, I do not lie or exaggerate when it comes to hockey. You know this.”

“Yeah, I-”

“Bits!” Bitty’s door flies open, startling Bitty, and Nursey pokes his head into the room.

“Lord, Nursey! What-”

“You doing anything for Valentine’s Day?”

“Excuse me?”

“I was talking to Chowder and Dex and we’ve got a few guys we were thinking of setting you up with. You wanna come take a look?” Nursey glances behind Bitty and finally notices Bitty’s in a Skype call with Jack. “Oh, chill, Jack. You can help too!”

“Nursey, I have no plans for Valentine’s Day besides baking you a pie.”

“Oh, sweet! So you wanna see these guys now or-”

Bitty cuts Nursey off with a groan and bows his head into his hands. “Nursey, I appreciate the effort but I don’t want-”

“Dude, c’mon. When was the last time you got any?”

“Nursey, really, I-”

“Jack, don’t you think Bitty should get some?”

Jack sputters in surprise. “Euh, I- He- It’s whatever Bittle wants.”

“You know we tried to set him up for Screw, but he totally flaked out on us. ‘Oh, Nursey, I can’t,’” Nursey poorly imitates Bitty. “‘I have to work on my thesis!’”

Bitty groans into his hands once more and blushes even more deeply. “Nursey if you don’t stop trying to set me up, you aren’t getting your birthday pie.”

“You know what?” Nursey suddenly says. “I think I just remembered I’ve got a paper due.” Nursey laughs nervously. “Bye, Jack!” He waves at Jack and Bitty as he leaves Bitty’s room and gently shuts the door behind himself.

“Have they been doing that a lot?” Jack asks.

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Jack hums thoughtfully as the color in Bitty’s cheeks slowly recedes. “So the team?” Jack prompts.

“Right,” Bitty laughs, “we were talking about hockey.”

* * *

**Haus 1.0 &co.**

**Nursey**

Yo I think Bitty has a secret admirer

**Ransom**

? Elaborate

Happy Birthday btw!

**Nursey**

Thanks!

He was acting cagey as hell when I told him Dex, Chowder, and I wanted to set him up for Valentine’s (Jack can vouch he and Bitty were Skyping at the time). I walked into the haus just now and Bitty was opening an Amazon package with like 5 different kinds of flour in it.

**Lardo**

Someone gave Bitty flours for Valentine’s Day?

What a cheesy ass...

**Nursey**

I know right?! Still romantic as hell though! Whoever it was. He clearly knows Bitty!

**Ransom**

Huh, so what you think he’s got a secret boyfriend?

**Nursey**

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Bitty**

I can send this birthday pie to Jack and tell him to share it with his team you know.

**Nursey**

Chill

Nevermind guys! Bitty bought HIMSELF 5 bags of flour! 

* * *

**Lardo**

So

What kind of flour did you buy Bitty?

* * *

**Bitty**

What am I gonna do with you Mr. Zimmermann?

:)

Whatever you like.

You free to Skype?

😉

* * *

The coming out letter that Jack and George decided upon isn’t going as smoothly as Jack thought it would. The letter, which will be published on NHL.com through George’s arrangement, is supposed to be a simple, low pressure way for Jack to, well, bare his soul; which isn’t a simple or low pressure thing for anyone to do. Jack isn’t really sure what sort of tone the letter should have, how much of himself he should reveal, or if it should be brief or long. And George isn’t much help; simply telling Jack he should trust his instincts and that she will send along whatever letter he gives her.

Jack is at a loss for what to do, and who to ask for help. His friends are busy, and the last thing Jack wants is for Bitty to think he feels pressured to come out because of… whatever it is they’re doing, so he can’t tell them. His parents have already given him the same advice as George. It isn’t until Jack is lacing up in Vegas that it hits him: there’s one person he hasn’t tried seeking help from.

Jack skates up to Kent before the game begins and asks, “Can we meet after? I want to talk.”

Kent glares at Jack and brushes past him without offering a reply.

When Jack exits the locker room after the game, he finds Kent casually leaning against the wall just outside the doors.

“I’d’ve texted, but I think you have my number blocked,” he says.

“Euh…” Jack swallows hard. “Yeah, I might.”

“Hello, little rat,” Tater calls from behind Jack.

“Uh, hi?” Kent wears a confused frown.

“It’s because of the time you rushed Snowy.”

“Ah,” Kent smirks, “Good times,” and shoots a wink to Tater.

“You want I should take out garbage, Zimmboni?”

Jack laughs, “It’s fine, Tater. I asked him if we could talk.” He pulls his gear bag off his shoulder and holds it out. “Could you take this back to the hotel though?”

Kent raises his eyebrows, but otherwise says nothing, and Tater takes the bag before patting Jack on the shoulder as he leaves. 

“Can we go to your place?” Jack asks. 

Kent shrugs, shoulders tense with false nonchalance, and leads Jack down the hallway.

They ride together in silence, neither daring to breach the topic of any of the many things they could and should address.

“What do you want, Zimms?” Kent finally says once he’s shut and locked his door. “Why’d you make me bring you back to my apartment? I don’t  _ think _ it’s to sleep with me, but who the hell knows.”

“It’s not,” Jack says shortly.

Kent hums, “Shame. You want something to drink?” He pours himself a drink and holds out the bottle for Jack.

“No, I’m fine. I’ll try and make this quick. I’m, uh, I’m planning on coming out.”

Kent chokes on his scotch. “Why?” he rasps.

“Because I’m tired of hiding,” Jack shrugs, “I’m in love. Both, either, whatever.”

“You have a boyfriend?” Kent asks, a note of surprise tinging his voice.

Jack snorts, “I  _ wish  _ he was my boyfriend. He’s not interested in dating me.”

“Because you’re in the closet?”

Jack shrugs.

“Zimms, you shouldn’t come out just cause  _ some guy _ told you to.”

“He doesn’t know I’m planning this. And I’m not doing it for him. I meant it when I said I’m tired.”

“Okay, so why are you telling me this?” Kent asks exasperated.

Jack shrugs again, “I need help. I’m writing a coming out letter; it’s, euh, I’m struggling. And, well…” Jack trails off. 

“I’m the only person you could come to for advice?” Kent bitterly laughs.

“That’s not-” Jack huffs. “My friends can’t keep secrets from each other. If I tell any one of them, it could easily get back to Bitty, and I don’t- I’m so  _ fucking _ tired, Kenny. I’m doing this for myself, but if I tell him about it, he’ll think it’s because of him and try to talk me out of it.”

Kent hums, “Okay.” He pauses for another sip of his drink before asking, “Are you gonna mention me in it?” 

“I don’t know. If I do, it won’t be by name.”

Kent nods a few times and takes a few more sips of his scotch before pouring himself a little more.

“You’re freaking out.”

“Yeah! How are you not?” 

“Despite all my issues, my sexuality has never really been a source of anxiety for me.”

“Was it my fault?” Kent blurts.

Jack knows exactly what he’s asking. “No, of course not,” he gently reassures.

“Then why did you shut me out?” Kent glares into his glass.

“Jealousy.” Jack shrugs. “And, while it wasn’t your fault, we did enable a lot of bad habits in each other. It was easier for me to cut all my ties with that part of my life and move on than to try and reconcile with my past. I owed you better than that,” he says quietly, “and for that I’m sorry.”

Kent exhales heavily. “I’m sorry for… the shit I pulled at that party, or whatever.”

Jack snorts a laugh. “Thanks, I guess.”

“I am sorry. I said some shitty things.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“There’s probably always going to be a part of me that wants you to hurt as much as I did when you…” Kent trails off and finishes his glass.

“Yeah. I get why you hate me,” Jack admits. 

“I don’t  _ hate  _ you.” Kent says, tone offended. “Do you hate me?”

“No,” Jack scoffs. “I’ve never hated you.”

“I thought you did. This whole time.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack whispers.

Kent nods, “Me too.”

They stand together in awkward silence, each processing everything that was just revealed. Kent pours himself some more scotch and clears his throat, “You sure you don’t want anything to drink?” he asks.

* * *

Jack is buzzed and relaxed against Kent’s couch, dangling a cat toy over the arm for Kit.

“Your boy is texting you,” Kent says, examining the lit screen of Jack’s phone from where it rests on the coffee table.

Jack drops the toy, and Kit pounces on it, as Jack scrambles for his phone. “Skype?” the message from Bitty reads. “Oh, he wants to Skype.”

Kent raises his eyebrows at Jack and smirks lewdly.

“Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“Why?” he shouts indignantly. “You told me you’ve had sex with Bittle, you even told me you  _ ‘Skype him,’” _ the sarcasm drips as he says this with finger quotes, “all the time—he wants to Skype right now. So, is this the sexy kind of Skyping or…”

Jack makes a considering noise and an either or motion with his head. “I  _ think _ he wants to talk about hockey right now. They’ve got a game tomorrow.”

“Well, shit, Zimms, that’s practically third base for you!” Kent ducks the pillow that Jack lobs at his head. “I don’t get it, man. You’re basically dating the guy, but you say he’s not your boyfriend?”

“Because he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Right. Why not? Just ask him. You’re  _ already _ dating.”

“I already tried that,” Jack groans. “He just shut me down anytime I tried talking about it.”

“Okay, and how long ago was that?”

“I don’t know. Almost a year ago?”

“Jesus, dude. Fucking ask him out.”

Jack grumbles at Kent and texts Bitty to let him know that he’s out but he’ll Skype when he gets back to the hotel.

* * *

Samwell Men’s Hockey is on fire. They haven’t played this well since Jack’s senior year and Jack has a feeling that Bitty’s gonna bring home the first championship win in Samwell’s history. Jack just hopes that he’ll be able to see it when it happens. His last game of the regular season is just before the NCAA finals. He’ll have to hop on a plane to Chicago immediately following his game.

While Bitty’s team couldn’t be doing better, Jack is still struggling with his letter.

“This is way too accusatory and you’re holding too much of your own struggle back, Zimms. If you’re gonna sound like a robot you might as well do an interview,” Kent texts. He’s agreed to look over and give his unfiltered opinions of Jack’s letter as he writes it. 

So Jack tries again. “Okay, now you just sound thirsty. You need a balance between ‘look at what you’ve forced me and other queer players through,’ and ‘actually, I do have feelings.’ Maybe dial back the thirst a tad and bring it back to your personal struggle in the league and various locker rooms.”

* * *

**Kent**

Remember when you told me to just ask Bitty out.

Duh.

I think I figured out how I’m going to do it. 

Check your email.

That’s sappy as hell, Zimms. 

It looks good.

* * *

Jack finishes the letter the day before his final game of the regular season. Kent, George, and the Falcs PR department all love it. It’s set to go out as soon as the Falconers’ season ends; whether that be after the first round of the playoffs or after another cup win, Jack’s ready. He’s never been more ready in his life. 

Shitty, Ransom, Holster, and Lardo are already in Chicago for the Frozen Four. Jack will only be able to make the final game, assuming Samwell is in it. 

As soon as Jack receives Bitty’s excited phone call, he’s buying his tickets to Chicago.

* * *

**Haus 1.0 &co.**

**Shitty**

I have never felt more like a proud papa in my entire fucking life!

I love you guys so fucking much!

Whatever happens tonight, just know that you’ve already won my heart!

**Holster**

Let’s go boysssssssss!!!!!

**Ransom**

WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP

**Lardo**

We’ll be the ones screaming our fucking heads off!

**Ransom**

LET’S GOOOOOOOO!!!

**Jack**

The effort that you boys have put into this season has already paid off. Everyone knows what you’re capable of. Shitty’s right, you’ve already won. Just enjoy it.

**Chowder**

Don’t worry guys! WE’RE WINNING THIS!!!

**Dex**

LET’S GOOO!!!

**Nursey**

LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

**Bitty**

**❤️**

* * *

_ An Open Letter to the NHL _

_ By Jack Zimmermann _

_ When I was first diagnosed with an anxiety disorder I told myself I could never show my mental weakness to others, that I needed to hide my anxiety away because it made me weaker than everyone else. I placed more pressure on myself than there needed to be, took on more than I had to, hid from those who wanted to help me, and embraced those who enabled my bad habits. This led to my overdose at eighteen. I made several pledges to myself to cut away and hide the parts of myself that society couldn’t handle. I’m the over-privileged kid of a hockey star and an actress/model, what right do I have to be anxious? I shouldn’t have mental health problems. But because I hid my struggles, because I told myself that I could never share these parts of myself, I ultimately caused more pain and strife for myself and others than anyone needed to experience. I’m done telling myself “Never” when I ask myself “How about now?” or “What about the future?” I’m done denying myself the things and people that will most help me and make me happy. I’m done cutting away at myself for the comfort of others. I’m done hiding. My name is Jack Zimmermann and I have an anxiety disorder. _

Jack’s never been so relaxed at a hockey game before. He can feel the enthusiasm radiating off of Shitty and Holster who sandwich him in. He knows on some level that he should be shouting as enthusiastically as them, cheering every save Chowder makes, yelling at the ref at every turn, watching every move of the puck, but he can’t tear his eyes away from Bitty long enough to get invested in anything that’s not the captain.

_ While my anxiety is relevant to who I am, and how I became the person I am today, it’s not the point of this letter. I pledged to myself that I would never share my struggles with my mental health to the world at large, but I imploded, and the world found out about it anyway. Despite all my fears, I survived that. The following pledge I made was one I truly thought I would never break. _

Jack's gaze is trapped on Bitty’s mouth as he worries his mouthguard between his teeth. Jack knows exactly what that mouth is capable of, and once he’s started thinking about it it’s impossible to drag his mind away from the memories of Bitty’s mouth on his thighs, his lips, his dick.

_ I told myself—from the time I was 19 until I was 24—I will never act on my queer desires ever again. If I repress those queer desires, I never have to come out. No one ever has to know. I can play hockey, and live my life, and get married, and have children, and no one but my parents and my ex will ever know that I’m hiding anything from anyone. I would be the person society expected me to be. I would play hockey without jeopardizing my career. I would be safe. _

Someone from Samwell scores, but Jack doesn’t know who because Bitty isn’t on the ice. Bitty is on the bench strategizing with Hall and Murry. His brows are furrowed in concentration the way they get when he focuses on his French homework, a new pie recipe, or nailing a new passing drill.

_ I realized, during preseason of my senior year at Samwell University, that that pledge would be more difficult to maintain than ever before when the sight of my teammate and best friend wearing criminally short shorts and a muscle shirt nearly caused me to fall flat on my face as I tripped over my feet. It helped that I thought my feelings for him didn’t extend beyond physical attraction. _

Bitty gets checked hard and Jack’s heart leaps into his throat, but Bitty skates through it and maintains possession of the puck. There’s a fire in Bitty’s eyes that Jack has only seen when they fuck. This is Samwell’s game to lose, and Bitty’s not about to let that happen. 

_ Never will I ever come out while I’m in the NHL. _

Jack wants him. 

_ Never will I ever come out if I marry a woman. _

Jack needs  _ him _ .

_ Never will I ever pursue another relationship with another man ever again. Even if I love him. _

Jack loves him.

_ “Never,” I told myself. _

Jack will always love Bitty.

_ “Never,” I told Eric. _

Jack will do anything for Bitty.

_ It wasn’t until Eric was on the cusp of starting a relationship with someone else that I realized how deep my feelings for him ran. That was when I first began to regret my words. It wasn’t just his summer tan, or his honey blond hair, his wide chestnut brown eyes, or his freckled nose, it wasn’t just his thighs, or his arms, or his hands; it wasn’t even just his hockey that enthralled me. It was also his laugh, his smile, his compulsive need to act as everyone’s caregiver, his avoidance tactics, his taste in music, his dance moves, his coffee order, his penchant for belting Beyoncé at 7:00am, his terrible singing voice, his southern drawl, his rambling about any and every kind of baked good, his ability to fill any room with his presence, his  _ everything _. I had fallen in love without even realizing. But I had already told Eric what I would do if I found myself in the very situation I was neck deep in: nothing. _

Jack is prepared to risk his career for the  _ chance  _ of a relationship with Bitty. If Bitty gives him that chance Jack will spend every day of the rest of his life proving to him that it was the right decision. That Jack is worthy of Bitty’s love.

_ So, I said nothing because I told myself Eric deserved someone who could be out with him. I said nothing because Eric was falling into a relationship just as I realized the extent of my feelings for him. I said nothing because even if our situation were normal, even if we lived in a world without homophobia, even if I didn’t have to choose between making it to the NHL and being true to myself, Eric was still my best friend and my teammate and confessing my feelings to him had the potential to destroy the both of us and our friendship.  _

Jack is on his feet before the final buzzer even sounds. Holster and Shitty are screaming in his ears and hanging off his arms on either side of him. Samwell did it. Bitty did it. 

_ I wish now that I’d had the courage to kiss him before he’d made things official with his then boyfriend. But I didn’t know how serious things were and I was afraid to ask. I wish I had told him: “I know I said never, but I didn’t realize I was falling for you. I’m afraid I might need you. I’m worried I can’t live without you.” _

Jack is going to tell Bitty everything the first chance he gets. Perhaps he’s too aggressive, pushing his way onto the ice, but he needs to reach Bitty. 

_ After one year of torturous pining, Eric was once again single. I could finally tell him the things I was too afraid to tell him the year prior. _

Jack wants to be the first to congratulate him. Then he wants to tell Bitty, “I’m sorry for being an idiot. I’ve been in love with you for years.”

_ Eric ran out to center ice to congratulate me on a hard fought win after game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. And I wanted nothing more than to celebrate that win by kissing the man I was in love with. Apparently, I was so transparent that my well intentioned friends decided to interrupt us and prevent that from happening. I nearly came out in the most public way possible last year,  _ and I would not have regretted it one bit _ if it had resulted in a relationship with Eric. _

Jack finds Bitty standing on center ice, sweaty and smiling more broadly than he ever has before. “This is familiar,” Jack whispers into Bitty’s ear as he hugs him.

_ The informal pledges I made to myself, that I told Eric, that I implied to my other friends and my parents, have prevented me from having the relationship of my dreams for nearly three years. _

Bitty throws his head back and laughs. 

_ I’m done hiding.  _

The deep well of desire and longing to kiss Bitty is familiar too. He smells like sweat and ice and it should be gross but Jack loves it. He’s got a helmet crease in his hair, but his hair also looks invitingly soft; Jack wants to run his fingers through it. Jack grabs Bitty’s cheek with his left hand and weaves the fingers of his right hand through the hair at the back of his head. Jack tentatively pulls their heads together and presses his forehead to Bitty’s. 

_ My name is Jack Zimmermann and I’m bisexual. _

Bitty gasps and his pupils dilate. 

_ I hope that when I tell Eric about the mistakes I made, when I beg him to date me, when I confess my love for him, that he will tell me he feels the same. _

Jack strokes Bitty’s cheek with his thumb and Bitty’s eyes fall shut halfway. He runs his thumb past Bitty’s cheek and along his lower lip and Bitty’s tongue darts out to meet it. 

_ I hope that someday I’ll be able to finally show my love with that center ice kiss that I missed out on last year. _

Jack can’t hold himself back any longer. He captures Bitty’s lips with his own and does what he should have done a year ago after he won the Stanley Cup, two years ago after they lost the Frozen Four, even three years ago after Bitty’s concussion. They kiss. It’s soft and gentle and warm and better than any kiss Jack has ever had. There are tinges of desperation and longing at the edges of the kiss as they nip at each other’s mouths. Both Jack and Bitty have craved this moment for far too long. This acknowledgement that this thing they share runs deeper than the physical. That it’s enough to make Jack do something reckless and public, and open himself up to scrutiny. That it means that Jack loves him, and that Bitty wants to be loved by him. That Jack’s assumptions about where Bitty stood were wrong, and that Bitty’s assumptions about Jack were equally as wrong.

_ Until then, Eric, never will I ever stop loving you. _

“I love you,” Jack breathes into Bitty’s mouth. He didn’t mean to say it, but Jack is incapable of holding anything back any longer. Jack’s fingers are wet. He pulls back and looks at Bitty’s face to find tears gently streaking his cheeks.

“Jack?” Bitty’s voice is small and broken.

“Bits.” Jack once more leans his forehead against Bitty’s.

“You can’t mean that.”

“More than anything; more than hockey,” Jack breathes out a laugh.

Bitty surges up and kisses Jack again. “I love you too,” he whispers.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank y’all for reading and being patient with me and my inconsistent update schedule! :)
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at [thefiveboxingwizards](https://thefiveboxingwizards.tumblr.com/).


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